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8 female products that make me glad I’m a guy

By / 02.19.11

Awful Female Products

…love Maegan, Flickr



It’s easy to be a guy. Men, for the most part, simply wake up and exist. We shave, shower and brush our teeth. When necessary, a man can be up and ready in seven minutes or better. Men have issues of their own but it’s an entirely different, and much more frightening, story for women.

There’s a whole world of feminine care that I knew existed but never knew anything about. At home, women have an arsenal of lotions, scrubs, masks and creams. They purposely wear devices that constrict blood flow in order to shape their bodies. In the pursuit of beauty, women subject themselves to borderline torture with eyebrow threading, waxing and facial extractions.

Women pull, pluck and smear hot wax on their bodies, and use alarming words like “exfoliate.” They routinely do battle with terrifying contraptions, chemicals, sharp objects and irons capable of scalding. It’s just standard operating procedure.

I’m not even going to get into products related to menstruation, childbirth and menopause. There’s danger enough elsewhere. Here are the products that make me really glad I’m a guy.

Photo credit: …love Maegan, Flickr

8 The Curling Iron
The curling iron is shaped like a night stick, spring loaded and they’re commonly made from tourmaline, metal or titanium. They reach temperatures in excess of 200, and some of these hand-held nightmares may even reach temperatures of almost 400 degrees. The purpose of all of this? To curl hair. Alternative uses of the curling iron include assault and battery.

7 The Eyelash Curler
The eyelash curler, used to curl eyelashes in order to make the eyes look bigger, looks like some combination of a medieval weapon and a modern dentistry tool. Both of which are miserable objects to encounter, let alone use near the eye. Worse, some women heat the curler with a hair dryer before use. Because using a metal object near the eye is not enough, apparently it must be heated.

6 Spanx
Spanx is a popular brand of “shape wear” used to give women a slim and shapely appearance. The whole idea behind the squeezing material is to constrict the human body into a smaller space than gravity would allow. They’re like the anti-Long Johns. No thanks.

5 Push-Up Bras
Although they’re lovely for men to admire, that’s where the fun ends. Breasts are sensitive, and these gussied-up torture devices squeeze and pinch pairs of innocent snuggle pups together and upwards with wires and nylon. Adding insult to injury, they’re expensive. If I had to pay for an uncomfortable device that compressed my male parts, and then walk around in it for several hours, I would be pissed off. Impressive in leather pants, but pissed off.

4 Lip Plumpers
This is actually a real product. Regrettably, I tried it for the purpose of composing this list, and it felt like ants were crawling on my mouth. Lip plumpers typically work by irritating the thin, delicate skin of the lips with ingredients like menthol or camphor. This makes the lips swell slightly, which may also diminish the appearance of fine lines in that area. So to summarize: lip plumpers work by damaging skin.

3 Stilettos
Another device that operates by challenging gravity. Stilettos lift a woman’s heel up and force the weight of the body onto the tips of their toes. The result? Swollen feet and possibly leg and back pain. Notably, they make walking difficult. So for those keeping score, stilettos are footwear that hurt the feet — and make walking difficult.

2 Hair Dye
Although not uniquely a product for women, it’s women who keep the hair coloring industry afloat. Hair-dying involves putting chemicals all over the hair and scalp. Adverse effects include temporary skin irritation and allergy, hair breakage, skin discoloration and unexpected hair color results. “Hair lightening” is also referred to as “bleaching.” You may have heard of bleach — a common household cleaner.

1 The Cuticle Cutter
This awful little contraption is designed to rip away the cuticle. The cuticle, mind you, was designed by Mother Nature to protect a person’s nail bed from infection. Nevertheless, the cuticle cutter is used to shorten and cut away the cuticle — to make the nail look better. Hopefully Mother Nature appreciates irony.


TAGSAdviceArbitrary RankingsCurling IronCuticle CutterEyelash CurlerfeaturedFemale productsLip PlumpersListsPush-Up BrasSpanxStilettosWhy it sucks being a womanWhy it's awesome to be a man
About Brett Smiley... Brett Smiley tries to write humorously and often fails. He blogs for New York Magazine and MTV Clutch and his work has also appeared in Sports Illustrated. He is an avid New York Giants fan and enjoys an occasional backhanded compliment.

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