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Thoughts And Prayers Go Out To Foul Ball King Zack Hample Who Was VICIOUSLY Assaulted At A Game Last Night

By 07.23.15

Animals. Savages. Cold-blooded killers. All terms that come to mind when I think of the scum who brutally attacked the undisputed foul ball champ Zack Hample at Yankee Stadium last night. Hample hasn’t responded to my interview request, but I’m not sure cell phone use is allowed in the Intensive Care wing of the hospital. No word on whether or not doctors will have to amputate his neck or not, but I recently spoke to Dr. Rodriguez and he’s worried that the infection will cause Hample to catch an pneumonia, of which he’ll refuse to give back. That’s worst case scenario, though. Questions have been buzzing around the baseball world like “Will Hample ever be the same?” and “How mobile will Hample be in his wheelchair?” and “Wait, is he that grown man who steals foul balls from young children?” A lot of questions, not a lot of answers.

Hample’s brave recollection of the events through his translator since the injury has caused his jaw to be wired shut:

Injuries of this severity also cause the victim to recall false memories:

Here’s Hample lobbying for some sympathy vagina. Guy is 10 steps ahead of all of us at all times.

Real talk, though: Is anyone doing anything more impressive than what Zack Hample has been able to throughout his entire career?? Seriously. So what if NASA got a shitty picture of Pluto, Hample has collected over 8,000 baseballs from something completely reliant on chance. Add a few more baseballs to that collection and we have to start questioning whether or not he’s the Chosen One.

P.S. Rebecca Martinson has gingivitis. She told me in confidence. Lol.

[h/t Barstool]

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Matt Keohan
About Matt Keohan... Matt is that guy at the gym that wears a winter hat and a tank top. He grunts after every rep and is tan in December. He corrects your girlfriend’s squat form even though he doesn’t lift legs and has a really nice car he parks in the handicapped spot out front. Matt is your worst nightmare.

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