Roy Hibbert is the Indiana Pacers’ All-Star center. Standing 7-foot-2, he’s been an imposing force in the paint during his six NBA seasons. Until recently, when he apparently lost all of his talent.
The big man went scoreless for the third time in the last five playoff games last night as the Pacers dropped Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals against Washington.
The whole thing sort of sucks.
Hibbert seems like a nice enough guy. He’s skilled at social media and killed it on Parks and Recreation. Why do bad things happen to good people? I don’t know. What I do know, is that we need to get to the bottom of what’s going on.
Without further delay, here are some possible explanations for the disaster.
Monstars Stole His Game
To me, this is the most plausible. Every other explanation would just be too bizarre. Occam’s Razor teaches us to look for the simplest truth.
I do not have a Monstars magnet schedule on my fridge, but we can only assume they have a big game coming up. This is the best-case scenario for the Pacers, too, as the talent could be returned afterward.
Some sort of Freaky Friday situation
Some plucky kid from Terre Haute probably wished to switch bodies with his favorite NBA player, setting off a devastating chain of events which will ensure yet another Miami Heat trip to the Finals. Kids are the worst.
He’s Twentysomething Wolf
Hibbert can legally drink A. KEG. OF. BEER. but he can’t catch an entry pass or grab the easiest of rebounds. After a careful study of the lunar calendar, his ineptitude seems to make sense. Look, I’m not saying he’s a werewolf, but it’s a definite possibility.
It’s the 1919 World Series all over again, except with more shoes. When you owe the wrong people, you are forced to make tough decisions in the interest of keeping your kneecaps intact.
He Just Sucks
Hey, the truth hurts. Athletes completely losing their skill overnight is not unheard of (see: Chuck Knoblauch and Rick Ankiel). This possibility is just depressing.
The last time the Miami Heat visited the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama got to make a sweet video. If you’re think she’s not in Barack’s ear to make the same thing happen, you’re a fool. This one was brought to my attention by the Benghazi people, who seem to have a solid grasp of what’s really going on.
[Image via Pat Lovell/USA Today Sports]
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