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6 Things That ABSOLUTELY Will Or Won’t Happen on ‘Raw’ — OPEN FORUM

By / 09.01.14
Brie-Bella

WWE


It’s a special Labor Day edition of Raw. In honor of the day all of America takes the day off work to remember how much they hate their job, let’s celebrate by discussing five things that absolutely won’t happen on the show that doesn’t seem like it’s worked for month.

Nikki Bella will ABSOLUTELY not mention killing her sister in the womb again. It was in poor taste. She’ll probably mention how she should have killed her after going back and watching her Inside the Actor’s Studio-worthy performance on last week’s show. Brie ABSOLUTELY won’t sell this storyline with her acting any longer, so these two are going to have to start wrestling one another. At that moment I’ll ABSOLUTELY switch over to the Saved By the Bell movie.  If there isn’t a scene with MPG and Mario Lopez banging six girls with bangs higher than Jeff Hardy at a Skrillex concert my childhood will be ruined.

Someone will ABSOLUTELY mention the leaked celeb photos in a promo. Damien Sandow will ABSOLUTELY not play the role of Justin Verlander to Summer Rae’s Kate Upton. We ABSOLUTELY need just one week of Attitude Era programming. In other news, I ABSOLUTELY wish I could take back the moment I realized I was looking at Verlander’s dong.

Rusev will ABSOLUTELY face off against Mark Henry and pick up the win thanks to Wyatt family interference. Mark will ABSOLUTELY blame the loss a few too many hot dogs at the WWE Labor Day picnic that wasn’t actually a picnic but just Mark in a lawn chair near the hot dog machine at a 7-11. God Bless America and meat trimmings encased in edible condom skin.

John Cena will ABSOLUTELY not put anyone over, sell an injury, sell a move or miss a chance to address the audience.  I ABSOLUTELY wasted my time typing something everyone ABSOLUTELY already knew.

AJ and Paige will ABSOLUTELY not be a part of the leaked celebrity photos but God damn it a man can still dream. Dreeeaamm.

Randy Orton will ABSOLUTELY attack Chris Jericho because he’s a guest on the Highlight Reel, and he’s angry, and he’s the Viper and I lost all train of thought because of that last comment about AJ and Paige leaked photos. Come on hackers, we’re all counting on you.

Stay right here to discuss Raw in the comments as it happens live tonight! If the comments are acting a bitch, it’s because we’re still trying to iron out all the bugs with this new layout. If it doesn’t work, come talk Raw with me over on Twitter.


Chris Illuminati
About Chris Illuminati... Here is more than you'll ever really want to know about me -- These are the books I've written, these are the places I've done or will do stand-up, these are the articles I've written, this is the blog I do about my inadequacies as a father and this is how you can get in touch with me.

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