Sports
by J. Camm on February 25, 2014

fantasy-football-email

My least favorite part of operating, or participating in, a fantasy sports league is the deadbeats who can’t cough up their fee in a timely manner. If you can’t afford to send a $100 check, or you are incapable of doing so then DON’T JOIN THE FUCKING LEAGUE. Don’t make your shitbag issues become everyone else’s problem. One fantasy football league winner shares this sentiment because he is still waiting for his cold hard cash to come in. Last I checked, most fantasy leagues ended almost two months ago. If not paying him is a joke, it sure is fucking cruel

Message: EMAIL #1

SUBJECT: If You Love America Like I do

MESSAGE:

Men-

I don’t know about you, but I see myself as a genuine patriot; a man who believes in one nation under god, liberty and justice for all, a dream that can be a reality, and a free economy. Really, someone who lives worry free, because I am debt free.

Now if you watched the television yesterday and saw America (we can call her capitalism) triumph over Russia (referred to as communism henceforth) you probably learned a thing or two about the world.

The first thing you learned was that the world as a whole looks up to America (capitalism). I know you may say, “wait G, they were booing our boys in blue yesterday.” You’re right, they were booing us, that’s also where you are wrong my friend. The boos you heard from the communist fans were jeers of jealousy. They wish to be like us! Excuse me for paraphrasing, but like the great film Platoon taught us, inside every communist, there is an American trying to get out. This leads me to my second point, and that is capitalism will always triumph when it works correctly, as it normally does in America (unless led by democrats, but that’s a lesson for another time). Competition, buying, selling, trading, these are all great things that drive our wonderful nation forward.

America’s economy was designed to be strong, and strong she will be!

Are you a strong person? Do you want to be a strong person? Do you like America? Do you understand that you are the pulse of America’s strong capitalist economy? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you probably have honor and like to pay off your debts.

Do you think the communists are right? Are you a loser?  Were you sad that our boys in blue won yesterday? Are you a democrat? If you answered yes to any of these, then you probably won’t see where I am coming from and you probably enjoy the stress of always being one step behind and living in a world of debt. That’s okay, but not in my America. You can love it or leave it (as they say in Born On The Fourth Of July).

I want YOU (as Uncle Sam says) to love it, so you don’t have to leave it. What do I mean by that? Don’t be a communist, don’t be a democrat, pay off your debt that you owe me because you lost in fantasy football, and enjoy this great country that we live in thanks to our men and women fighting for our freedom from sea to shining sea. Remember, they are the real heroes. You live in the land of the free, because of the brave, so respect it and live up to your American sense of personal responsibility.

God Bless America and may God bless you.

-G

That email resulted in no payment. So “G” wrote another.

EMAIL #2

SUBJECT: Are you a communist?

MESSAGE:

Men -

Upon sending my latest email, I really thought I would stir the pot and receive my due payment. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

I assumed that I was joining a league with good, upstanding American men. The kind of men who, like me, recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning after getting out of bed and then again every night before getting into bed. The kind of men who lead their lives with such a sense of honor and pride that our founding fathers would be proud of.

Clearly, I was mistaken. It is an odd feeling, to be wrong, but I am one who admits it when I am. I have since determined that our league is made up of a significant number of communists. If you recall my prior email, I laid out a clear, yet somewhat unusual, definition of a communist. In the aforementioned context, which also extends to the context of this email, I refer to communists as enemies of America and those who don’t pay off debts, or debtors if you will. I have done the math; let me show you. If we have 12 participants in the league with a 50$ due each, then there would be a total sum of $600 in the pot. Since it would be silly to think I would pay myself $50 for winning, I am owed only $550. I have received a total of $100 so far, with another $200 in transit. That means I fall $250 short of my prize. Where could the money be?

Surely I have to be wrong to think that I would join a fantasy football league with a bunch of communists, but you have left me with no reason to think otherwise. The math, also known as the universal language, is right there. I have not only proven it to myself, but also to everyone else on this email thread.

Remember, like I said in my last email, inside every communist, there is an American trying to get out. Let me help pull that American out of you. First, and perhaps the easiest way to defeat the communist ways that have overtaken you, is to simply pay off your debt, but you are so deep in the shitter now that you will need to really fight this one out. I want to get you in the same mindset that Thomas Jefferson and John Hancock were in just before signing the Declaration of Independence. If you were wondering, that mindset was most likely one of drinking a stiff bourbon followed by a stroll down the dirt road to fire off a musket round or two into the warm night air of the Virginia countryside, because why the fuck not? So, if you really want to get into that frame of mind, after paying off your communist debt, you must believe in yourself and your country. Remember, freedom isn’t free. Freedom comes with hard work and dedication to your independent well being. Ever wonder why we call it independence day? Because we didn’t need a king telling us what to do. That’s right. Taxation without representation. Dedication….to yourself, not some tyrant on the other side of an ocean. You live as an independent individual in this great world, and even greater country. Earn it.

Do you believe in God? I do. Do you know who doesn’t? Communists.You’re right again, that’s why we call them godless-communits. Pretty simple, right? I know! This one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all does not back down from anything, especially communism.. You guessed it, these colors don’t run.

So, what I am going to advise to you communists who haven’t paid me? The answer is simple enough, pay me, then recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and weep tears of joy that you enjoy the freedom that you have. That American inside of you that has been waiting to burst out will finally get to breathe a breath of freedom. Taste it. I know the guys who have paid me know its taste, and believe-you-me, they love it. Don’t Tread On Me, or you will experience Shock and Awe at a whole new level.

May God bless you and may God bless America.

-G

To quote Marty Hart from True Detective “A man’s game charges a man’s price.”  And believe it or not, playing fantasy football is a man’s game, so fucking pay the man his monies, you goddamn scumbags (his words, not mine. I’m everyone’s pal.)

Follow J. Camm on Twitter —>

[H/T Reader Email]