Around this time of year, we like to break down the playoff picture in the NFL. ZOMG, who is going to get in and who is going to be left out, you guys? It’s totally like gossiping about which fat girls aren’t going to get asked to homecoming.. ZOMG, who is going to get in and who is going to be left out, you guys? It’s totally like gossiping about which fat girls aren’t going to get asked to homecoming.
In doing so, we forget to pay proper attention to the teams that suck an immense dong. NOT ANYMORE. Here are the 10 NFL franchises that should just give up already.
10. Dallas Cowboys: Robert Griffin III had a very special Thanksgiving at Jerry Jones’ Big Sandbox. There is nothing sweeter than watching the erroneously named America’s Team melt like Frosty the Snowman in a greenhouse.
Apathy rating: Watching the complete first season of the new “Dallas.”
9. Detroit Lions: I spent Thanksgiving in Detroit. When it comes time to hand out turkeys to the needy, everyone just passed a bird to the left. Jim Schwartz made history for throwing a red flag when he wasn’t supposed to. A timeless tradition of losing and Kid Rock-enabling was eventually preserved.
Apathy rating: Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor at a ballet.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars: What? They won? I didn’t hear anything about that. The fan forgot to update his Facebook status.
Apathy rating: The Casey Anthony detectives not noticing a “fool-proof” suffocation Google search.
7. Arizona Cardinals: Ryan Lindley was intercepted four times in his first career start. He’ll be punished by having to pilot this team again next week. Waterboarding would be a more desirable activity.
Apathy rating: Learning all the scientific names of each and every cactus species.
6. Oakland Raiders: Their last three losses have all been by at least 21 points. That’s not great. This will be the 10th straight year the RAHHHHHHHHHHH-DAHHHHHHHHS fail to secure a winning record.
Apathy rating: Al Davis at a tanning salon.
5. Carolina Panthers: The good news is that they beat the Philadelphia Eagles last night. The bad news is Rick Moranis’ squad in “Little Giants” could accomplish the same feat.
Apathy rating: A trip to the Wright Brothers Museum.
4. San Diego Chargers: This abortion of a team let Ray Rice turn a five-yard pass into a 30-yard gain on fourth-and-29. That’s the kind of stuff that happens when the CPU turns on the cheat mode in video games.
Apathy rating: Ron Burgundy eating cat poop.
3. Philadelphia Eagles: Andy Reid has been doing Movember since 1972. He’ll soon be unemployed. The team looks like a mash unit and the fans are pantomiming suicide in the crowd. That SEEMS bad.
Apathy rating: Listening to two drunk assholes argue about which place serves the best cheesesteak on South Street.
2. Kansas City Chiefs: Question: Which restaurant in this city has the best BBQ? Answer: The one not showing the game. Also, great idea sending your horrible quarterbacks out as receivers. If they all die, you can just forfeit.
Apathy rating: A Reese Witherspoon movie on TBS on a Sunday afternoon.
1. New York Jets: Fireman Ed, who is not a fireman, announced that is retiring from being the world’s most obnoxious fan. The reason? Too many fans were being obnoxious toward him. Such delicious irony. Old Gang Green had a nationally televised case of post-Thanksgiving diarrhea that perfectly summed up everything that sucks about them. Please, laugh at their tears. It’s the only appropriate thing to do.
Apathy rating: Listening to the costume designer for “CATS” talk about makeup at a cocktail party.