There are some teams in the NFL that are really good. There are far more teams that should pack up their locker rooms and just begin the off-season already. Here are the worst of the worst.
10. Kansas City Chiefs
All things considered, yesterday’s win over the Carolina Panthers may have been the most impressive performance of the year. The Jovan Belcher tragedy is unspeakably sad and another reminder that there are bigger, more important things in the world than who wins games on Sunday afternoons.
Ugliness ranking: Impossible to put into words.
9. Chicago Bears
Their record is 8-4 but they still suck. The offensive line has more holes than the plot of a Twilight movie and their supposed unbeatable defense was beaten in dramatic fashion by a very pedestrian Seattle Seahawks offense. I can’t wait for this team to get embarrassed in the playoffs. Mark my words, it will happen.
Ugliness ranking: John Belushi at Mardi Gras.
8. New York Jets
When you need a big win, you turn to Greg McElroy. Everyone knows that. If there’s been an uglier game than yesterday’s punt-turnover fest at Met Life Stadium, I am blissfully unaware. Mark Sanchez has been relegated to clipboard duty and guess what, his handwriting is terrible, too. Let Tim Tebow start the remainder of the year and have him baptize contest winners on the sidelines during the game. RATINGS!
Ugliness ranking: Rex Ryan at a trendy New York City vegan restaurant.
7. Tennessee Titans
I caught a little of that “Nashville” show recently. Hayden Panettiere has turned into a full-blown babe. She seemed to know her football in “Remember the Titans.” The only way I’m watching this team’s game is if they let her coach. Please let this happen.
Ugliness ranking: When Garth Brooks tried out for the major leagues.
6. Detroit Lions
I root for this team. What the fuck is wrong with me? If anyone didn’t KNOW FOR A FACT that Andrew Luck would complete a miraculous game-winner on the game’s last play, they haven’t watched a LieDowns game in the past 30 years. God I hate them.
Ugliness ranking: Ndamukong Suh trying to drive some place.
5. San Diego Chargers
If this team isn’t intentionally throwing games like the 1919 Chicago White Sox, they deserve to be No. 1. Being Norv Turner’s agent must be the easiest job in the world. No one calls you, ever.
Ugliness ranking: This guy surfing.
Not worth ranking: Jacksonville Jaguars. Totally irrelevant.
4. Arizona Cardinals
They should stop letting Make-A-Wish kids start at quarterback. How has Larry Fitzgerald not staged an in-game protest where he sets himself on fire in the end zone? Are there even cardinals in Arizona? Probably not.
Ugliness ranking: Being forced to watch an entire season of “Sex & the City” in exchange for a dry hand job.
3. Oakland Raiders
They lost. At home. To the Cleveland Browns. Everyone on this team is fantasy-football poison. What’s to like?
Ugliness ranking: Carson Palmer at a tanning booth.
2. Carolina Panthers: They let Brady Quinn beat them and are now 3-9. Something tells me they won’t exactly be making good on that Super Bowl guarantee.
Ugliness ranking: Michael Jordan’s fashion choices.
1. Philadelphia Eagles
You idiots let Tony Romo and Jerry Jones experience happiness. What in the hell is wrong with you?
Ugliness ranking: A brain-dead person trying to come up with fight song lyrics.