The NFL playoffs are far from inclusionary. If you mightily suck for 17 weeks, you don’t get the privilege of competing for the Vince Lombardi trophy. So what are the teams that have already been eliminated even playing for? To stay off this mean-spirited list, of course. It’s crucially important to each and every underachieving franchise.
10. New York Giants: Some weeks they look like viable Super Bowl contenders and others they look like they all have runny diarrhea and can’t be bothered to even pay attention to the game. Eli Manning is either the best quarterback in football or isn’t qualified to captain an intramural game. If anyone … ANYONE.. has a grasp on just what the fuck is going on with this team, please let me know.
Drunken Mess Rating: Tom Coughlin hate-gulping aged scotch because a couple of his players are two minutes late to a team meeting.
9. Chicago Bears: I got a lot of pretty nasty comments for including the Bears on this list then they were 8-4 and atop the NFC Central. Where’s your passion now, Grabowskis? Like I said, this team will miss the playoffs, Lovie Smith will be run out of town and Peanut Tillman will personally punch every Chicagoan in the balls to add injury to insult.
Drunken Mess Rating: Brian Urlacher buying a bottle of wine to smooth things over after admitting he doesn’t give a damn about the Windy City fans.
8. New York Jets: Nothing -- and I mean NOTHING – sums up the Sisyphean nature of this team like Rex Ryan cursing uncontrollably after last night’s televised blooperfest. By the way, how hilarious that the final nail in the Jets coffin was delivered by a foot?
Drunken Mess Rating: Tim Tebow getting into the Communion wine and just really going to town.
7. Buffalo Bills: How stupid is it that this team forfeits a home game to play in Toronto once a year? How disrespectful was the team’s effort in Sunday’s 50-17 loss to the Seattle Seahawks? Both are extremely stupid. On the bright side, Chan Gailey’s beard is just tremendous.
Drunken Mess Rating: John Candy insulting the beer in “Canadian Bacon.”
6. Arizona Cardinals: Nothing but good things here. They destroyed the Detroit Lions and looked like a viable NFL team. Here’s a picture of Arizona’s state flag. So badass.
Drunken Mess Rating: Marcus Brody from the “Indiana Jones” series. Love that guy.
5. San Diego Chargers: I picked up Danario Alexander for the office’s fantasy football semifinals against J. Camm. The Bolts receiver scored a grand total of zero points and I lost. Hate everything about this team.
Drunken Mess Rating: Ron Burgundy after the man punted Baxter.
4. Detroit Lions: Since when did Matthew Stafford start throwing like Dennis Eckersley? I don’t know. Since when did the Lions start sucking? Since ever. Here’s hoping they return to form and select another wide receiver in the first round of the NFL draft because that’s NEVER gone wrong.
Drunken Mess Rating: Kid Rock at really any time of the day.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Completely irrelevant.
2. Philadelphia Eagles: Conventional wisdom says there are only two games remaining in Andy Reid’s tenure. Brandon vows to go on a hunger strike until Mr. Red Mustache is officially canned. The crazy thing is, I think he’ll be back next year. That’s how little faith I have in this franchise doing something competent.
Drunken Mess Rating: The 700 level of old Veterans Stadium.
1. Kansas City Chiefs: They. Got. Shut Out. By. Oakland. This team is an argument for soccer-style relegation. Would any of us REALLY be sad if we were never subjected to another Chiefs game? That’s what I thought.
Drunken Mess Rating: All of you during the holidays when your family is around.