5. New York Giants
They’re turning the ball over easier than a home-schooled freshman girl during welcome week. Fucking Brandon Jacobs is apparently the running back solution. Johnny Manziel made everyone forget about the David Tyree play over the weekend. The good news for the Giants, though, is that everyone else in the NFC East is sharting all over themselves as well.
Disaster meter: Tom Coughlin without Blistex.
4. Tampa Bay
Shit, I have to find something to say about the Buccaneers? They are just terrible. The lightning delay was the most enjoyable part of their ugly loss to New Orleans. CHRIST. THEY LOST TO THE JETS. Let’s see, what else? Oh, yeah. If this Josh Freeman story is true, that’s one of the most dysfunctional and hilarious things a head coach has ever done. Please let it be true.
Disaster meter: The Florida legal system.
Remember in the offseason when Robert Griffin III was seemingly coming up with a cool hashtag motivational phrase every week? Remember all the excitement surrounding his return? Well, that was all before getting Chip Kelly’d and Aaron Rodger’d. The only Redskin – can we still say that – showing any passion knocked himself silly with one of his many dirty hits. Who is to blame for all of this? Clearly RGIII’s lovely new bride. If only there was something out there that could sink this toxic relationship.
Disaster meter: Brody’s daughter attempting to act on Homeland.
Not even worth the energy it takes to type this sentence.
Disaster meter: Tebow, why not?
Guys, it is over for the Steelers. Time to go full Bane on Heinz Field to save themselves the embarrassment of a 4-12 season. This is great news for anyone who doesn’t own a Terrible Towel. There is nothing like watching 15-plus years of obnoxious pride come crashing back to earth as gracefully as Ben Roethlisberger. At least the city has the Pirates. Love those guys.
Disaster meter: Sidney Crosby trying to grow a mustache.