We’re just two games into the NFL season but we’ve already seen enough to make sweeping judgments. And, holy hell, are there some radioactive disasters out there. But which franchises are small, containable grease fires and which resemble smoldering wreckage unfit for any self-respecting fan? Let’s examine.
10. New York Jets
Perhaps the biggest surprise of the first two weeks is how good not bad the Jets have looked. With the Mark Sanchez situation unresolved and the Geno Smith experiment in its tenuous infancy, things were looking pretty bleak. But here we sit, comfortable in our ergonomic chairs, observing that moonwalking Rex Ryan still has a job. Of course, Gang Green’s win was a giant gift courtesy of one of the biggest bonehead plays in NFL history.
And the team’s fanbase is still the absolute worst. It’s just a matter of time until the shit hits the fan in Swampville, but it hasn’t made impact quite yet.
Disaster meter: Andrew Dice-Clay at an Atlantic City all-you-can-eat buffet as dawn is breaking.
9. New England
Dan Shaughnessy, who isn’t much to look at but is smart as a whip, suggests the Patriots could be the worst 2-0 team in NFL history. That may be a bit of hyperbole. Yet, Tom Brady & Co. needed the full 60 minutes to edge lowly Buffalo and barely hung on against the aforementioned Jets. That doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. This team is running out of white wide receivers to shoulder the load. Looks like Vladimir Putin won’t be getting another Super Bowl ring anytime soon.
Disaster meter: Jeremy Renner as a romantic lead role.
The Vikings looked outclassed in Detroit and lost a heartbreaker in Chicago. These two divisional losses aren’t going to be helpful in their quest for the playoffs. But this team has Adrian Peterson, who can singlehandedly win a game against any opponent. The problem is that this team also has Christian Ponder, who may have more skills with the ladies than with the pigskin. I’d never say that to his face because he might do this to me.
Disaster meter: Marshall Eriksen trying to be intimidating.
Is there a team that is less entertaining than the Browns? Watching them play is like spending a weekend in Cleveland. Brutal. Brandon Weeden, who is 57-years-old, has led this vaunted offense to one touchdown in three games. To be fair, he’s had a lot on his plate lately. This fungus of a team hosts Buffalo in a Thursday night game on Oct. 3. The NFL Network may register a 0.1 rating for that masterpiece.
Disaster meter: Going out in public wearing a Tim Couch jersey.
I drafted Cam Newton to quarterback my fantasy team so that’s all you need to know about my intelligence. Steve Smith is still four-feet tall and the franchise still hasn’t followed through on its brilliant Super Bowl promise. Their fans are just people who couldn’t get into the nearest NASCAR race, so it doesn’t matter much anyway.
Disaster meter: Charlotte native Emily Maynard’s personality.