10. New York Jets
Perhaps the biggest surprise of the first two weeks is how good not bad the Jets have looked. With the Mark Sanchez situation unresolved and the Geno Smith experiment in its tenuous infancy, things were looking pretty bleak. But here we sit, comfortable in our ergonomic chairs, observing that moonwalking Rex Ryan still has a job. Of course, Gang Green’s win was a giant gift courtesy of one of the biggest bonehead plays in NFL history.
And the team’s fanbase is still the absolute worst. It’s just a matter of time until the shit hits the fan in Swampville, but it hasn’t made impact quite yet.
Disaster meter: Andrew Dice-Clay at an Atlantic City all-you-can-eat buffet as dawn is breaking.
9. New England
Dan Shaughnessy, who isn’t much to look at but is smart as a whip, suggests the Patriots could be the worst 2-0 team in NFL history. That may be a bit of hyperbole. Yet, Tom Brady & Co. needed the full 60 minutes to edge lowly Buffalo and barely hung on against the aforementioned Jets. That doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. This team is running out of white wide receivers to shoulder the load. Looks like Vladimir Putin won’t be getting another Super Bowl ring anytime soon.
Disaster meter: Jeremy Renner as a romantic lead role.
8. Minnesota
The Vikings looked outclassed in Detroit and lost a heartbreaker in Chicago. These two divisional losses aren’t going to be helpful in their quest for the playoffs. But this team has Adrian Peterson, who can singlehandedly win a game against any opponent. The problem is that this team also has Christian Ponder, who may have more skills with the ladies than with the pigskin. I’d never say that to his face because he might do this to me.
Disaster meter: Marshall Eriksen trying to be intimidating.
7. Cleveland
Is there a team that is less entertaining than the Browns? Watching them play is like spending a weekend in Cleveland. Brutal. Brandon Weeden, who is 57-years-old, has led this vaunted offense to one touchdown in three games. To be fair, he’s had a lot on his plate lately. This fungus of a team hosts Buffalo in a Thursday night game on Oct. 3. The NFL Network may register a 0.1 rating for that masterpiece.
Disaster meter: Going out in public wearing a Tim Couch jersey.
6. Carolina
I drafted Cam Newton to quarterback my fantasy team so that’s all you need to know about my intelligence. Steve Smith is still four-feet tall and the franchise still hasn’t followed through on its brilliant Super Bowl promise. Their fans are just people who couldn’t get into the nearest NASCAR race, so it doesn’t matter much anyway.
Disaster meter: Charlotte native Emily Maynard’s personality.
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5. New York Giants
They’re turning the ball over easier than a home-schooled freshman girl during welcome week. Fucking Brandon Jacobs is apparently the running back solution. Johnny Manziel made everyone forget about the David Tyree play over the weekend. The good news for the Giants, though, is that everyone else in the NFC East is sharting all over themselves as well.
Disaster meter: Tom Coughlin without Blistex.
4. Tampa Bay
Shit, I have to find something to say about the Buccaneers? They are just terrible. The lightning delay was the most enjoyable part of their ugly loss to New Orleans. CHRIST. THEY LOST TO THE JETS. Let’s see, what else? Oh, yeah. If this Josh Freeman story is true, that’s one of the most dysfunctional and hilarious things a head coach has ever done. Please let it be true.
Disaster meter: The Florida legal system.
3. Washington
Remember in the offseason when Robert Griffin III was seemingly coming up with a cool hashtag motivational phrase every week? Remember all the excitement surrounding his return? Well, that was all before getting Chip Kelly’d and Aaron Rodger’d. The only Redskin – can we still say that – showing any passion knocked himself silly with one of his many dirty hits. Who is to blame for all of this? Clearly RGIII’s lovely new bride. If only there was something out there that could sink this toxic relationship.
Disaster meter: Brody’s daughter attempting to act on Homeland.
2. Jacksonville
Not even worth the energy it takes to type this sentence.
Disaster meter: Tebow, why not?
1. Pittsburgh
Guys, it is over for the Steelers. Time to go full Bane on Heinz Field to save themselves the embarrassment of a 4-12 season. This is great news for anyone who doesn’t own a Terrible Towel. There is nothing like watching 15-plus years of obnoxious pride come crashing back to earth as gracefully as Ben Roethlisberger. At least the city has the Pirates. Love those guys.
Disaster meter: Sidney Crosby trying to grow a mustache.
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