Track

Scouting report: There is no denying that God works fast. He created Earth in a day. He molded and threw up in the Heavens several trillion stars—also in a day. (He is angered that He never receives enough credit for this feat.) The speed of His actions ensures that God would be able to run like lightning, a concept that He also in fact created.

There is a downside to all this speed, however. The Infinite Spirit is known to take much time off, most notably after His most active week in Genesis. Just as Usain Bolt has caught criticism in the past for an at-times slack work ethic, God took off a full day after His quickest achievement, the creation of everything. Olympians cannot get away with taking too many days off.

He would be like: Usain Bolt

Supporting scripture: 1 Thessalonians 5:2: "You know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night."

Golf

Scouting Report: Ah, here it is. A sport for the truly devout. Despite the many unseemly headlines Tiger Woods has made in recent years, there is no mistaking golfers as the most religious of any athletes. God would fit in well.

What kind of golfer would he be? As the All Powerful, He would grace His game with an almighty drive, one that goes even further than noted sinner and golfer subject to smiting, John Daly.

But one has to think God would play with too much of a chip on his shoulder to only hit driver. Why? Verily, God is still struggling to forgive golf legend Lee Trevino for this blasphemous quote about the All-Powerful: “If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron,” Trevino said. “Not even God can hit a 1-iron.”

As a response to this, God would smite Trevino by only hitting 1-irons off the tee, taking away some length but making him the greatest long-iron player since Ben Hogan. And it was good.

He would be like: Ben Hogan

Supporting scripture: Romans 12:19: Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

NASCAR

Scouting report: God would first be confused by the particulars of this “sport.” “Why is this black smoke going into my great and wonderful skies?” He'd think. “Must all the oil I graced this fine Earth with be spoiled in such a fashion?” Then He’d tour an infield and find the sport to righteous.

As a driver, the Almighty would show His mercy by not following the “Days of Thunder” commandment: “If it ain’t rubbin’, it ain’t racin’.” Without sacrificing the other cars on the track, He would attempt to win races with His intelligence and poise. He would win every race, because He would be the only driver on the track with said intelligence.

He would be like: Jimmy Johnson

Supporting scripture: Jeremiah 3:3: “I am the Lord, and I created the whole world. Ask me, and I will tell you things that you don’t know and can’t find out.”

Swimming

Scouting report: God has spent a good time in the water during the 12,000 years since he created Earth. During His travels, he’s picked up on the swimming habits of all His fastest creatures—the Orca, the Shark, the Phelps. This will have made him into the ultimate swimming machine diety.

He would be like: Michael Phelps

Supporting scripture: Psalms 24:1-2: The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it on the seas and established it on the waters.

Tennis

Scouting report: God is currently playing on the ATP, and has been a professional for 14 years now. As of August 7, He has won 17 grand slams and 75 total titles. Although His game has been in a slow decline for the last few moons, The Alpha and Omega still holds the world No. 1 ranking after topping Andy Murray in the 2012 Wimbledon Championships. What can He say? God plays well on grass.

He would be like: C’mon.

Supporting scripture: Federer 6:12: And lo, Federer had one of thine “moments,” causing the onlookers’ jaws to verily drop and thine eyes to protrude and thine mouths to make sounds that bring spouses in from other rooms to see if you’re O.K.