During the Olympics, there's been much talk about athletes being "gods" of their sports. There's also been a multitude of athletes praying on the field, thanking him in post-game interviews, and wearing scripture on their person for all to see. God is everywhere—or at least more than usual.
But what if the All Powerful got sick of just watching and seeing all the athletes have all the fun? What if he, somehow, participated as a player? What would that look like? Let’s take a look.
By Reggie Noble and Andy Moore
Scouting report: There is absolutely no doubt that God would be a point guard. He loves being in control. The question is: Would He pass?
One has to assume God is just lights-out from the three-point line, but He's also been known to create. We think He'd sacrifice a scoring title just to get others involved. Teammates would have free will to accept His passes and make something out of them. The pressure, however, would be enormous. How could you ruin God’s creation? Don’t you appreciate its beauty?
The person drawing the unenviable task of coaching God would have a real pickle on his hands. Think Erik Spoelstra had it bad? Try getting ol' Alpha and Omega to run sprints at the end of practice.
He would play for: Duke, then Indiana Pacers
Supporting scripture: John 3:13: “No one has ascended into heaven except he who descended from heaven, the Son of Man,” clearly in reference to an out-of-this-world vertical leap.
Scouting report: The game’s first and only six-tool player, God would undoubtedly roam centerfield, bat lead off and wear No. 3. Armed with the ability to know exactly what the opposing pitcher is throwing, He'd be a dead-pull hitter. A strong carpentry background would yield adroit bat control, making Him virtually impossible to strike out. His one weakness would be his reticence to take a walk in the pursuit of constant glory – well, that and his insistence on sacrificing whether it’s necessary or not.
He would play for: Los Angeles Angels
Supporting scripture: Naham 2:4: "The chariots rage in the streets. They rush back and forth in the broad ways. Their appearance is like torches. They run like the lightnings."
Scouting report: Yahweh would be a shotgun quarterback in an uptempo offense. The two choices in his simplified playbook: the Hail Mary and the triple-option. He’d miraculously fit passes into impossible windows. Despite constant pressure to mold his game after Tim Tebow, The Almighty would be His own man. A reluctance to use deceptive hard counts and insistence on calling plays in Aramaic would be problematic, though.
He would play for: Notre Dame, then Dallas Cowboys
Supporting scripture: Philippians 2:3-4: “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Translation: spread the ball to many receivers.
Scouting report: He would spend an inordinate amount of time working on his skates under the belief iron truly sharpens iron. You’d find God in between the pipes, where he’d encourage defenders to let the other team shoot in order to boost his save totals. Revolutionizing the game with his Kneeling Prayer position, He'd be susceptible to shots in the upper 90s. His playoff beard, of course, would be unmatched.
He’d play for: Los Angeles Kings, except one awkward campaign with the New Jersey Devils
Supporting scripture: 1 Corinthians 9:25: “Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.”