Sports
by Jared Freid on April 4, 2013

I was midway through one of these classes last week and a woman–WHO DOESN’T WORK FOR THE GYM–came up to me and asked me if I wanted lighter weights. Was I shocked? Yes. Was I struggling? It doesn’t matter. Was I emasculated? Yesterday I saw the Maxim spread on Topanga and said, “Well, someone looks good!” (hand firmly on hip, elbow pointed to the right). So, yes. Am I the only person to ever embarrass himself at the gym? No, I see people embarrassing themselves everyday. Here are some ways:

Wear Gloves
I had a High School football coach who used to tear off the pad people put on the bar for squats and yell, “We don’t use tampons!” I can’t imagine what he would do to the Gloves Guys. Maybe he’d rip the gloves off of their hands, or perhaps he’d just rip the hands off of their wrists entirely. Or maybe he wouldn’t do any of those things because he’s in jail now for hitting a student who said he had asthma. But, Coach Myers was always right (asthma is a fake disease, like periods).

Are you a hand model? Or is it that you believe gloves give you enough grip to hold heavy weights? That speaks to a much larger problem with people at the gym: if you need gloves, a weight belt, wrist wraps, or any other device, then there is a part of your body that is not strong enough to lift that weight; hence, YOU are not strong enough to lift that weight.

Also, I don’t wear gloves and have calluses on my palms from lifting. In an age when I literally do nothing that could give me a callus other than wearing a new pair of dress shoes (my grandfather just called me gay from the grave), it feels pretty good when a girl says, “Why are your hands like this?” And I get to take my voice two octaves down and respond, “It’s just the gym babe” and then my callused hands feel the brisk shiver of her newly wet V.

Give Advice
Unless your shirt says “trainer” on it, don’t talk to me. The Men’s Health you read on a plane does not make you an expert. And the simple fact that you think it’s appropriate, or socially acceptable, to offer unsolicited advice in any scenario proves to me that you don’t have the self-awareness or intelligence to know when you yourself may be wrong. The very fact that you’re speaking to me makes your advice less credible. I see people do stuff wrong every day but you don’t see me telling the girl she, “should have gone with the bigger top,” or the black woman to, “let the people off the train before we get on.” I just stare. So again, unless I’m paying you by the hour, I didn’t ask. Please just stare and judge like a normal person.

Wear Toe Shoes
Sure, today the jury is still out on whether the last 100 years of shoe-wearing was a total hoax (conspiracy?), and maybe the 75 year old guy (who’s built like a 20 year old) that runs barefoot (and started this phenomena) is right and maybe it isn’t that he drinks whale piss and eats an apple a day but that he trains barefoot. Sure, that might be the case.

And yet, it seems that everyone I’ve seen with toe shoes is roughly fifty-five pounds overweight, as if the tyranny of regular shoes is the reason they can’t say “no” to a box of munchkins. Listen, I’m not saying that toe shoes are irrefutably a lie. What I’m saying is, they look ridiculous – so if you insist on wearing them, you better have the rest of your shit figured out. Otherwise, you’re just putting a neon spoiler on a Kia.

Yell
We go to the gym to look good (if you’re one of those “I go to feel good” people then join a yoga class like the other hippies). We go to look like we do more than sit behind a desk. We want to look like the guy in the Wrangler commercials throwing the bales of hay onto the truck but we want to make money like a guy who trades hay futures. The fact is, when the guy throws the hay onto the truck he doesn’t start screaming like he just climaxed during a blowjob given by God. And you shouldn’t make that same noise while lifting weights in a stringer tank top. You become the guy who makes the “Ahh” noise after every sip of soda. Someone who is LITERALLY crying out for attention (from Dudes).

Carry A Gallon Jug
How much water are you going to drink over the course of an hour? And how is it that the guys with the gallon jugs seem to be doing the least? There must be a gallon jug workout that I didn’t know about where you carry it around the perimeter of the gym while wearing a sleeveless shirt and shaking your head in agreement with some person you are never with. There are chicks sweating their asses off in the Zumba class, and yet the guy who needs all the water is taking three minute breaks in between bench presses.

Hit On Chicks
The issue here is that everyone goes to the gym to look at chicks. When you hit on them and inevitably fail (the “smoothies are a great post workout snack” line never works. Believe me), the girl starts to look around. She’s wondering who else is checking her out. She’s now on the lookout. And what’s she going to see? Me and every other guy hoping that she got one of the see-through Lululemon recall pants. Looking so hard that our eyesight is wearing down. Looking so in depth that we have nicknames for every hottie that’s a “regular.” You know the crew: “Yoga Pants,” “Blondie,” “Big Boobs Small Face,” “10 Pounds From Hot,” “10 Pounds From Fat,” “Latina Butt,” “Asian,” “Sure, I’d Bone If Nobody Found Out,” “Hot Trainer,” “Fat Trainer,” and, “Tight Pants Vagina Lips.”

Wear Jeans
Just a guy wearing jeans at the gym. No Biggie. He just wants to make sure he doesn’t scuff his knees if he falls off the bench. What’s wrong with this? This isn’t embarrassing, just a guy planning ahead for something that could happen. Lets move on.

Give Body Compliments
“Nice traps, man,” “You’re crushing those lats, dude,” “The biceps are getting big, buddy,” “You’re getting lean, brosef,” “Sweet penis!” Dude throwing around the compliments, thank you, but you’re creeping us out. Especially when you’re tossing them around naked in the locker room while doing the Captain Morgan stance on the bench. I’ve never even seen my own balls that intimately.

Use Big Enough Weights To Struggle So Much That A Woman Feels The Need To Stop Her Own Workout To Help Your Near Death Experience
Good for Topanga! Right Dudes?!?!?!?

Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian who you can see on MTV’s Failosophy on Thursdays at 10:30pm. Follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more nicknames for hotties at the gym. You can also subscribe to his Facebook page here.

[Guy hitting on girl image via ShutterStock]

  • Brandon

    funny stuff, too bad that you wouldn’t know what a woman would want. Almost ever woman I have been with hated my callused hands on their skin. So I do wear lifting gloves, and when you don’t use chalk regularly then your skin is going to rip your palms. Then she if she is going to let you touch her!! LOL Oh another embarrassment is calling your self Music Television and never showing any music!!

    • GeorgeTheGreek

      That’s true woman don’t like that.

  • Sara

    Yeah, rough hands are pretty awful. I know couple guys who keep lotion in their bag to combat that.

    • Bill Brown

      It’s for a different kind of combat I think…

  • liftman

    He must work out at planet fitness. I have seen a guy with GLOVES bench 600lbs for 3 reps. Must not have been strong to do that. Don’t write an article and not have a picture of your skinny bon bon eating house shoe wearing ass.

  • Dean

    I wear gloves to stop callouses, not because my weights are too heavy. I don’t feel embarrassed, though to be fair I really don’t care what people at the gym think of me. I’m there for myself.

    • shady

      maybe cuz u lack a dick?? men are allowed to have callouses

      • karan

        or maybe your dick has just dried up and wasted away but you still think you have a penis…..get over yourself you fucking prick….next time you rub your girl’s tits and she smacks you across the face because your hands feel like a crocodile’s skin…dont cry… just go to the gym you moron…

  • Brian Mastrofini

    Let us please not forget slamming the f’n weights. COME ON!!!!

    • Bill Brown

      Hate weight slammers.

      • GeorgeTheGreek

        I agree most places have rubber matts under the benches so its not as bad

  • Jeremy

    1. Gloves: Certain lifting equipment is essential for heavy lifting (which is what us big boys do) Things like weight belts and wrist wraps assist the lower back and wrists (DUH) when your dead lifting 400 lbs, no amount of manliness is going to prevent permanent lower back injury and serious wrist pain. It isn’t so much the case that your not strong enough to lift that weight, its merely your human limitations that create that plateau, and no special exercise is going to get around that. If callouses are what you’re after, you should know that even with gloves you can still get blisters. A senseless macho attitude does not win battles my friend.

    2. Advice: As a gym junky, I know input about my form and the type of exercise can be beneficial if I’m willing to learn. No one is perfect and seeing as how many men get a gym membership and don’t know how to use it, advice would be helpful. but if you are there just for the women, take my advice and go to a bar, its much cheaper.

    3. Gallon Jug: Some bodybuilders do not enjoy wasting plastic on water bottles so they save the environment by using a jug, it is also an effective way to stay hydrated when exercising. If you don’t like it get over yourself, honestly are you going to tell the 250 lbs bodybuilder that carrying a jug is annoying?

    4. Body compliments: its weird if you compliment a random stranger so I have to agree with this one.

    5. Toe shoes: the shoes may be weird but there is no doubt that barefoot running for some people is liberating, and beneficial. I’m not one to make fun of an MMA fighter cause of the silly shoes he wears. If he shows up in a clown outfit that’s his business seeing as how he could kick my ass.

    6. Yell: first off yoga is beneficial for flexibility, who wants to lift 300 lbs and not be able to wipe their own butt. Second guys that “yell” in the gym typically are lifting heavy and they are not to be messed with.

    7. Hitting on chicks: this is a bad idea from the get go because if she complains you can be kicked out permanently. To repeat Go to a bar it is cheaper and easier

  • shhhhh

    Man if u have a problem then change your gym by the way jay cutler is using a belt send him your writings that his back is not strong enough or shut the f…k up

  • Randy

    I thought of a girl at my gym for every one of those nicknames hahaha.

    • Bill Brown

      I avoid looking at hot women in the gym ever since the erection incident…

  • Bill Brown

    Here are some more.
    - Guy who’s “between sets” rest is 5 minutes.
    - Guy who says 1,2,3 THIRTY FOUR, THIRTY FIVE, 6… when a girl walks by.
    - Guy who does reps super-fast or with very poor form or both
    - Guy who forgets to breath during deadlift or squat and passes out
    - Guy who won’t spray off equipment
    - Girl who’s clothes are too “spray on” and distracts all guys
    - Girl who glares at men who glance at girls who wear clothes that are too “spray on”
    - Newbie guy who stands impatiently by the machine you’re using. And glares.
    - People who read or prepare their taxes while on a stationary bike.
    - Guy who does not realize he sings (in tone-deaf bursts) with ear buds on.
    - People who just can’t solve their toxic B.O. issue.
    - People who wear clothing designed for people 200 pounds lighter, because they can
    - Guy with that “ask me if I’m on steriods so I can kill you” crazy on-steroids look
    - People who go to the gym for any other reason but to work out.
    - Steroid, tattoo guy club that meets at gym to tell eachother how buff they are and talk
    - I feel for people with lactose intolerance but ONE(brap) TWO(brap) THREE… not cool.

    This is why I have weights at home and do not go to the gym!!

  • cyber surfer

    What’s funny is watching guys who never produce a drop of sweat walk around with a small towel wrapped around their necks.

  • Ddubya

    “Sweet Penis!” Hahahahaha…

  • AJL

    stupid article. but anything can get online now.
    I wear the toe shoes. for convenience. so easy to shove into a gym bag and never have to remember to bring pounds of shoes.

  • GeorgeTheGreek

    This is comedy and I laughed at some of the stuff. I don’t look at woman at the gym like most people do, sure I glace and make eye contact smile on move on. I’m there to work out get my body right and if I’m thinking about the woman it breaks my concentration. I have seen guys really ogle woman bad to the point of me myself getting uncomfortable. It’s cool when I’m alone at the gym.

  • karan

    rest are good…but the first one is stupid…id bitch slap the guy telling me that you are a pussy for wearing gloves…..i dont want to touch my girlfriend’s face and then hear her shout that my hands feel like sand paper rubbing across her face….