I’ve been doing these bootcamp classes. They’re like P90X except instead of being able to look weak and pathetic in your own home you get to do it in front of a group of people. A group of people that’s almost a 50/50 split of hot women suited in enough Lululemon to make your boner have a boner and jacked gay men who could scare your boner’s boner right back to where it came from.
I was midway through one of these classes last week and a woman--WHO DOESN’T WORK FOR THE GYM--came up to me and asked me if I wanted lighter weights. Was I shocked? Yes. Was I struggling? It doesn’t matter. Was I emasculated? Yesterday I saw the Maxim spread on Topanga and said, “Well, someone looks good!” (hand firmly on hip, elbow pointed to the right). So, yes. Am I the only person to ever embarrass himself at the gym? No, I see people embarrassing themselves everyday. Here are some ways:
I had a High School football coach who used to tear off the pad people put on the bar for squats and yell, “We don’t use tampons!” I can’t imagine what he would do to the Gloves Guys. Maybe he’d rip the gloves off of their hands, or perhaps he’d just rip the hands off of their wrists entirely. Or maybe he wouldn’t do any of those things because he’s in jail now for hitting a student who said he had asthma. But, Coach Myers was always right (asthma is a fake disease, like periods).
Are you a hand model? Or is it that you believe gloves give you enough grip to hold heavy weights? That speaks to a much larger problem with people at the gym: if you need gloves, a weight belt, wrist wraps, or any other device, then there is a part of your body that is not strong enough to lift that weight; hence, YOU are not strong enough to lift that weight.
Also, I don’t wear gloves and have calluses on my palms from lifting. In an age when I literally do nothing that could give me a callus other than wearing a new pair of dress shoes (my grandfather just called me gay from the grave), it feels pretty good when a girl says, “Why are your hands like this?” And I get to take my voice two octaves down and respond, “It’s just the gym babe” and then my callused hands feel the brisk shiver of her newly wet V.
Unless your shirt says “trainer” on it, don’t talk to me. The Men’s Health you read on a plane does not make you an expert. And the simple fact that you think it’s appropriate, or socially acceptable, to offer unsolicited advice in any scenario proves to me that you don’t have the self-awareness or intelligence to know when you yourself may be wrong. The very fact that you’re speaking to me makes your advice less credible. I see people do stuff wrong every day but you don’t see me telling the girl she, "should have gone with the bigger top,” or the black woman to, “let the people off the train before we get on.” I just stare. So again, unless I’m paying you by the hour, I didn’t ask. Please just stare and judge like a normal person.
Wear Toe Shoes
Sure, today the jury is still out on whether the last 100 years of shoe-wearing was a total hoax (conspiracy?), and maybe the 75 year old guy (who’s built like a 20 year old) that runs barefoot (and started this phenomena) is right and maybe it isn’t that he drinks whale piss and eats an apple a day but that he trains barefoot. Sure, that might be the case.
And yet, it seems that everyone I’ve seen with toe shoes is roughly fifty-five pounds overweight, as if the tyranny of regular shoes is the reason they can’t say “no” to a box of munchkins. Listen, I’m not saying that toe shoes are irrefutably a lie. What I’m saying is, they look ridiculous - so if you insist on wearing them, you better have the rest of your shit figured out. Otherwise, you’re just putting a neon spoiler on a Kia.
We go to the gym to look good (if you’re one of those “I go to feel good” people then join a yoga class like the other hippies). We go to look like we do more than sit behind a desk. We want to look like the guy in the Wrangler commercials throwing the bales of hay onto the truck but we want to make money like a guy who trades hay futures. The fact is, when the guy throws the hay onto the truck he doesn’t start screaming like he just climaxed during a blowjob given by God. And you shouldn’t make that same noise while lifting weights in a stringer tank top. You become the guy who makes the “Ahh” noise after every sip of soda. Someone who is LITERALLY crying out for attention (from Dudes).
Carry A Gallon Jug
How much water are you going to drink over the course of an hour? And how is it that the guys with the gallon jugs seem to be doing the least? There must be a gallon jug workout that I didn’t know about where you carry it around the perimeter of the gym while wearing a sleeveless shirt and shaking your head in agreement with some person you are never with. There are chicks sweating their asses off in the Zumba class, and yet the guy who needs all the water is taking three minute breaks in between bench presses.
Hit On Chicks
The issue here is that everyone goes to the gym to look at chicks. When you hit on them and inevitably fail (the “smoothies are a great post workout snack” line never works. Believe me), the girl starts to look around. She’s wondering who else is checking her out. She’s now on the lookout. And what’s she going to see? Me and every other guy hoping that she got one of the see-through Lululemon recall pants. Looking so hard that our eyesight is wearing down. Looking so in depth that we have nicknames for every hottie that’s a “regular.” You know the crew: “Yoga Pants,” “Blondie,” “Big Boobs Small Face,” “10 Pounds From Hot,” “10 Pounds From Fat,” “Latina Butt,” “Asian,” “Sure, I’d Bone If Nobody Found Out,” “Hot Trainer,” “Fat Trainer,” and, “Tight Pants Vagina Lips.”
Just a guy wearing jeans at the gym. No Biggie. He just wants to make sure he doesn’t scuff his knees if he falls off the bench. What’s wrong with this? This isn’t embarrassing, just a guy planning ahead for something that could happen. Lets move on.
Give Body Compliments
“Nice traps, man,” “You’re crushing those lats, dude,” “The biceps are getting big, buddy,” “You’re getting lean, brosef,” “Sweet penis!” Dude throwing around the compliments, thank you, but you’re creeping us out. Especially when you’re tossing them around naked in the locker room while doing the Captain Morgan stance on the bench. I’ve never even seen my own balls that intimately.
Use Big Enough Weights To Struggle So Much That A Woman Feels The Need To Stop Her Own Workout To Help Your Near Death Experience
Good for Topanga! Right Dudes?!?!?!?
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian who you can see on MTV’s Failosophy on Thursdays at 10:30pm. Follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more nicknames for hotties at the gym. You can also subscribe to his Facebook page here.
[Guy hitting on girl image via ShutterStock]