Sports
by Jake Fowler on April 8, 2014

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I’m a Badger fan and a pretty reasonable human being. I’ve never been affected for more than a few hours by any particular sporting outcome, until Saturday night when Wisconsin lost to Kentucky at the Final Four. It was the most devastating loss of my life. Things that went through my mind:

  • I wished the Harrison twins were conjoined and the only way they would end up on national TV again was on a 60 Minutes “The Face of Twins in America” special.

  • I vowed to forever hate Pharrell for making a song (“Happy”) about an emotion I would never feel again.

  • I went Dexter on the guy in the room who tried to break the soul-crushing silence in the room by saying the Badgers will be better next year. Literally planned and executed this bro’s murder in my head.

I know this isn’t normal/good/mature behavior. I’m still not over it though, even now that the National Championship is over. Speaking of which, it feels weird to be writing something that could potentially help Kentucky fans feel better today, but I’m hoping the good karma will actually somehow help the Badgers back to the Final Four in Indy. And this Kentucky bro’s “W’ proves we may all actually have more in common than I thought.

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Here’s my list of recovery methods, composed while eating some cheese curds and drinking Spotted Cow. Reference it whenever you hate sports.

1. Watch Fantasy TV

Immediately after the game, I couldn’t move. I didn’t have enough energy to get blackout drunk or watch erotica. Although I guess I could have queued up some of that artsy porn with pianos and used my tears as lube.

I think the best move is to watch a TV show that helps you escape. Game of Thrones works perfectly. How can I feel bad about a basketball game when people are being beheaded and scorched by dragons? Wisconsin (and UK) did play with honor after all. And just so we’re clear, Frank Kaminsky will eventually sit upon the iron throne. Although Calipari does sort of look like a Lannister…

2. Trust that Frank Kaminsky Has a Bigger Plan

Seeing as you’re reading BroBible, you obviously believe in a higher power. Similar to God, I think Frank has a bigger plan for Badger fans. We had to leave a little room for improvement. Winning the National Title this year would have been too easy. That’s not how life works. You have to struggle, fail and then overcome.

You’re a teacher, Frank. I didn’t see it at first, but I have faith now. Frank might even have a lesson for Kentucky fans. He works in mysterious ways.

3. Eat a lot

After the final buzzer, I sauntered over to the kitchen and went to town on the plate of now cold grilled meats, running my total of grilled meats eaten within the hour to four (2 burgers, 1 spicy Italian, 1 sweet Italian.) I felt worse, but I didn’t deserve to feel good. That’s what we do in Wisconsin, dammit. We dominate grilled meats. Only Badgers can handle four grilled meats in one hour. Ah shit, I don’t think I can type/see/say the number four again.

On Sunday, I ate mac and cheese for breakfast, Pad see ew with beef for lunch and a Jack’s (made with real Wisconsin cheese) sausage/pep pizza for dinner. It helped.

4. Listen to This Playlist

I didn’t do it, but sitting in my recliner in the dark listening to these seven songs would have been an emotional journey toward recovery. I can’t completely explain why these seven songs are the perfect sadness remedy cocktail, and maybe you won’t get it until a freshman (or Niels Giffey) drains a three from Ed Werder’s scoop house to beat you, but trust me, these songs are perfect.

  1. “Unconditionally” – Katy Perry

  2. “Tony Rich Project” – Nobody Knows

  3. “One Shining Moment” – CBS/Stevie Wonder

  4. “1D” – Story of my Life

  5. “Not a Bad Thing” – Justin Timberlake

  6. “Red” — Taylor Swift

  7. “Ain’t No Fun” — Snoop Dogg

5. Purchase Things

Urkel T-shirt. Champagne Sabre. Fresh sneaks. Groupon bender. Whatever it’s gonna take to get it done, make it rain. You’ll feel better. And now you can relate to chicks who post on Facebook about retail therapy because they’ve had a rough week setting up meeting agendas and excel timelines.

6. Use Your Vulnerability for Good

I received lots of texts and hugs from the ladies telling me it was okay after the loss. Because I’m a redshirt walk-on in the pimping department, I wasn’t exactly sure how to turn that deer into summer sausage (or corn into bourbon in your case UK), but I imagine you could figure it out.

7. Write a Freestyle

I don’t know what to say,

Goddammit Frank,

Now I know how Rose felt,

When the Titanic sank,

Speaking of Leo,

Which bro’s got the ‘ludes?,

Ladies help me feel better,

Please send me some nudes.

Jake Fowler is a regular BroBible columnist who also runs the blog Big Balls Ideas. Follow him on Twitter.

[Photo: © Bob Donnan/USA Today Sports]

Jake Fowler

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