The Winter Olympics are back, and that, of course, means spending countless hours in front of a variety of screens — television, computer, iPad, treadmill screen — watching the U.S. assert its power on the ice, slopes, and in various other cold-weather sports. Talk about a cold war. And as your friends at BroBible note day in and day out, it’s also an amazing place to catch up on both national and international “talent.”
Odds are you’re like me: Most of the time, you watch the Olympics in prime time with your girlfriend, wife, or your friend with benefits. It’s one of those rare TV events that straddles the line between “patriotic act” and “mindless entertainment”: I’ll feel less American and like I missed the party if I fail to catch a big U.S. win in some random sport that I wouldn’t watch otherwise. Thankfully, I’ve been able to catch both the men’s and women’s golds in slopestyle. (It’s good to know that the nation’s relaxed marijuana laws are actually leading to something constructive.) There was something cute — in a “we met in a mud-spattered tent at a Phish concert” sort of way — about U.S. women’s gold-medalist Jamie Anderson. She gets five bong-rips out of five as far as I’m concerned.
The other day, though, I realized something that had been bothering me for a long time: watching the Olympics with your significant other actually really sucks. I was toggling between BroBible.com and NBC’s so-so Olympics coverage featuring Bob “Left Eye” Costas; and at numerous occasions during the broadcast, I badly wanted to turn to someone, anyone but my wife and say, “How hot is that Norwegian snowboarder?” or talk favorite female speedskater thighs and badonkadonks (not to mention near-whoops moments). I couldn’t help myself, and eventually made mention of the occasional pretty snowboarder or speedskater in passing. My wife didn’t even respond. She just sort of made like she hadn’t heard me.
In fact, that night, when the team figure-skating event came on, my wife said something to the effect of “Oh, that’s the girl you like, right?” in reference to 18-year-old Canadian figure-skater Kaetlyn Osmond (she helped her team win a silver medal). I just sort of blubbered out a response. It felt like I was on the hot-seat: “It’s either her or me, motherfucker,” I imagined my wife thinking. Don’t slip and make the wrong answer. I think I made a sarcastic remark like, “Who, her? I like poutine better.”
Now, it’s not like us bros have the chance every day to enjoy the best and the brightest of the opposite sex on an international stage (stuff like web porn and Instagram excluded). A lot of these women are highly attractive, super athletic, and in turn, on a completely different level of hotness than the average one. It’s sexy that they’ve devoted their lives to these sports — morning, noon, and night spent in the gym, conditioning themselves and sculpting their bodies. Some possibly even wearing yoga pants. Many (if not all) are sponsored, so they make a good living. Their body-fat indexes would make most grown woman cry. And a lot of them probably don’t even have time to think about boyfriends or husbands. They’ve probably deflected just about every dumb pickup line in history. In short, a lot of them are probably single.
I’m not just talking about our own countrywomen either. A lot of these girls are from exotic countries bros only dream of traveling to: the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Russia, the Netherlands, Switzerland. The list goes on and on. Their names are even hot.
Look, I think we can all agree that most of these girls wouldn’t bat an eyelash at any of us average guys on any given day, but they’re there for us bros to watch during the 2014 Olympics, as clear as day, and that’s got to be worth something to somebody, right? Maybe we should go out of our way to watch with our dude friends instead of members of the opposite sex. Shit, maybe the experience is even better when you’re single. It’d be a much better viewing experience for all. Like, remember when the royal wedding was on TV? My wife got together with one of her girlfriends and watched the shit out of it. I didn’t want to have anything to do with that modern-day Downton Abbey shit. (No offense to Downton Abbey; I watch the shit out of that, weekly. Mostly for Lady Mary a.k.a. ultra-hot Michelle Dockery!)
At the end of the day, at least bros know they’ll get the Olympics coverage they deserve on BroBible. The site has done us great deeds in the past like tracking the legality of Summer Olympics gymnastics star McKayla “Not Impressed” Maroney. They don’t need to do any age-tracking for latest meme-worthy hottie, figure-skater Ashley Wagner (she’s 22).
So the next time you sit down and switch on Sochi — or any future Olympics broadcast, for that matter — remember this: BroBible’s got you hooked up with all the coverage you really need. Sure, go ahead and watch the events and cheer on the U.S.A.
But what counts will be — to paraphrase Richard Marx — right there waiting for you on BroBible.