Ah, the Turkey Bowl. A timeless tradition that will make everyone forget that you purposefully avoided all your old high school buddies the last time you were in town.
Speaking of, here’s what they all look like on the geese shit-ridden football field.
1. No Show Moreno:
This is your friend who has major reliability issues when it comes to doing anything that doesn’t involve a couch. Laziness is not only forte; it’s the only thing he’s got over the rest of the crew.
As a somewhat bullish dude, “No Show” could definitely be one of the better players if he wanted to--except for the fact that he resists athletic activity to the point where attending the game in the first place becomes an obstacle that’s nearly impossible to overcome.
Gameday Gauge: Will blow off your Turkey Bowl for the overly sentimental ESPN special about “Football in Recession-Time Detroit” prior to the Lions game.
2. Mr. Tradition
It’s not enough to play the game. You also have to establish team names, a trophy, a trophy naming ceremony, a twitter parody account of said trophy, and a postgame trip to the deli where it is required that you all must order the same sandwiches you did last year. And no, it does not matter if you’ve become deathly allergic to ham in the interim.
Gameday Gauge: Barely knows the game is being played, instead smiles ceaselessly at the fact that “we’ll always be friends.”
3. Blue Collar
He’ll go only by his last name, and he’ll get the job done in a way that isn’t really appreciated, but is ultimately responsible for his team’s victory.
He’s a guy who lives for the little things--a timely block, a perfectly executed curl, or a solid second down tackle. He’s all guts, zero glory, and it’s to the point that you're genuinely surprised Dodge hasn't called him up to be their rough-around-the-edges spokesperson.
Gameday Gauge: Talking about how he’s “getting by,” although night classes are kicking his ass.
4. Hungover Hal
The night before Thanksgiving--while tough on everyone--was particularly tough on him. A mid-game vomit is probably the only consistency in his performance from year to year.
Gameday Gauge: Favorite part is by FAR the water breaks, questions every year why the fuck he plays in the first place.
5. Tommy Maddox
You may remember Tommy Maddox as a member of the Pre-Roethlisberger Steelers, but his better claim to fame is being the greatest player in the history of everyone’s favorite nostalgia blast, the XFL.
Just like the LA Xtreme superstar, this is a guy who will thrive in a league plagued by ambiguous rules and lesser skilled players, many of whom would likely fail a drug test. Tommy will likely emerge as the game’s most valuable asset, but would totally get destroyed if he played in that big-time slaughterfest on the other side of the park. They have jerseys and shit.
Gameday Gauge: Enamored by his own talent, he will spend a great deal of time perfecting Gangnam Style prior to the game in hopes making his touchdown celebration feel spontaneous.