Age 5: Shit your pants as much as possible.
Do you understand that once you stop shitting your pants, society deems it unacceptable to ever do it again? Like ever! Even if you go on a road trip with your family and slam down a Big Mac, side of fries and huge iced coffee, you’re supposed to “hold it until you get to a bathroom.” Do you know how ridiculously difficult that is? You’ll find out little man. So next time you pound a chocolate milk and some string cheese, push one out. All you have to do is throw your hand up like you just committed a shooting foul in the NBA and you’ll be cleaned up in no time!
Age 9: Start throwing a curveball.
When I was coming up, my dad wouldn’t let me throw a curveball until I was 13 because it was thought to be bad for your arm at such a young age. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t; since I pride myself on not doing research let’s just say it is. Who cares? Hey Dad, newsflash, you’re a five foot nine white guy and last week mom stubbed her toe twice on the way to the driveway. I’m not going pro in anything but Excel spreadsheets. This is my chance!
Maybe, just maybe, if I started snapping 12-6 curves when I was 9-years-old I could have led my team to some Little League World Series action. At the very least angry parents would be Obama’ing me after every 18-strikeout game unable to believe a young kid could be so dominant.
So 9-year-old Mike, learn the curve and snap it off. High fives and Fun Dip for days.
Age 13: Crack Someone in the Face
When you get older, if you punch someone in the face, at least 1 of the following 3 things will happen.
1. You’ll get shot.
2. You’ll get sued.
3. You’ll get arrested.
Use youth to your advantage. Your gangly arms can’t do any real damage and you only have so many chances to clock another man in the face. Plus girls in middle school like bad boys. They may say they don’t but trust me. Why else would they turn down a ride to the dance in your mom’s Ford Windstar?
And no I’m not telling current 13-year-olds to punch each other. If you do that these days your parents may get sued, you’ll likely be arrested and someone is definitely getting shot.
Age 16: Pay Attention in Foreign Language Class
Spanish class sucks. You know it and I know it, bud. But learning a foreign language while you’re young will help you out so much when you’re older. I’m not talking about being cultured and all that noise. Let me put this in terms you’ll understand: Your chances of getting laid will improve dramatically. Women love a guy who can speak another language. Want to go to an Italian restaurant? Sure, let me just order IN ITALIAN. Hmm, think there’s going to be a second date? Exactly.
And don’t say you’ll learn it someday. Trust me, you have to pickup another language while you’re young because once you hit a certain age your brain starts to form a hard outer shell only allowing in sports stats, useless movie quotes and images of Katherine the local barista from that one time you went to the beach together.
Age 21: Play Intramurals in College
In college it’s easy to get people to do almost anything. Let’s play Halo for 16 hours tomorrow. Sure. Want to get drunk, skip class and go paintballing? Sign me up! Just wait until you’re 30 and you ask a few of your buddies to play hoops, you’ll be lucky to get a 3 person game of 21 going. Excuses include but are not limited to: “I’m tired from work”, “We have to go see Carla’s brother’s new apartment” and my personal favorite “I’m still sore from playing last week.”
Yes College Mike, it gets that bleak.
Age 24: Go to Amsterdam
You’ve spent a year or two in the real world and you’re starting to realize nobody gives a shit about the time you were in your hometown paper for shaking Jim Belushi’s hand at a gas station. Your youth is over pal and most of your fun is too. But you still have a little time to go to a foreign land and be the ugly American. Go young lad, go! You may even be able to convince your family to help you out financially for “one last trip before you settle down and focus on your career.” Nothing bridges the gap between creepy and awesome like using Grandma’s check to secure a late night working gal.
Age 29: Don’t Waste Time Writing Shitty Articles Like This
Hey Mike from earlier today, did you really just waste all this time writing this article? You’re 29, you moron! Get a job with benefits! What’s going to happen when that spleen of yours explodes like a watermelon launched from a rooftop, Michael Scott style? That $50 gas card your aunt gave you last Christmas isn’t going to pay for it. Less time on Craigslist Missed Connections and more time bribing someone, anyone, to give you an actual job.
P.S., future Missed Connections girl, I was the guy in the blue t-shirt staring at anybody with a pulse that walked by me. I think we connected!
So there you have it. If I could go back in time I think I’d convince myself into having quite the life. Of course I may have set myself on the path of a chronic shitting, fight starting asshole with no arm ligaments. But that’s a chance current Mike is willing to take.