Sports
by Peter Sullivan on February 17, 2014

oshie-usa-hockey

5. Drink

A lot. Look, if your fellow countrymen are risking their lives jumping off of poorly made Russian ramps, the least you can do is a keg stand while your friends sing the National Anthem.  Seriously: go get some American beer and start shotgunning as soon as you finish reading this article. Why? Because our forefathers fought those damn redcoats for our right to shotgun brews. This isn’t just about getting hammered. It’s about liberty.

4. Wear something American

Even if you’re not from America. Just wear it out of recognition that the USA is the greatest country on the planet. And it doesn’t have to just be red, white, and blue. Shit, you could wear a lax penny, some shades, and a camo bandana and I’d consider you one of us. Then go watch Talladega Nights because it’s an American classic.

3. Watch Miracle

Because why not? Its not only a great movie but a solid reminder of how we punked those Russians back in 1980. Suck it, Russia. All the vodka in the world couldn’t save you in that game. Come to think of it, vodka can’t really help anyone in a professional sporting event.

Also the US hockey team just got finished waxing Russia, and they play either the Czech Republic or Slovakia this Wednesday at noon. If you’re at work or in class during the game, drink anyway while watching. If you can’t, after we win *knocks on wooden desk* then crack a cold one and bask in the glory that is America. Actually drink either way because you have the freedom to do so.

2. When you’re watching the games with your friends, don’t be racist. Be biased.

The Olympics often bring about some hostility between over patriotic American bros and their friends who may have connections with other countries. Feel free to treat people differently. I’m not saying to go out and be racist or offensive, but say, for example, you and your friends are watching the Olympics. One of your friends happens to be French. While you all decide to take shots during commercial breaks (as you should) don’t let your French friend take shots. Instead, respect his culture and offer him a nice glass of wine to sip. But only one. If your friend happens to be a Canadian bro, offer him a beer (we are neighbors after all) and then give him a nice firm backhand for not only spawning Bieber, but then making him our problem.

1. Drink. Again.

Break out the whiskey because it’s our pride and joy as Americans. I don’t care what kind it is: Jack, Jim Beam, Evan Williams, shit get some Old Forester if money is an issue. Just make sure some type of bourbon is being consumed (in great quantities) while you watch the greatest country on the planet dominate in the snow.

Peter Sullivan is a regular BroBible columnist. Follow him on Twitter.

[Photo: Jayne Kamin-Oncea/USA Today Sports]

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