The Social Network Bro
The “LoMo” is a Twitter fiend with such posts as “Im convinced my moral compass is solar powered because it never seems to work after dark... #NoHomoJustLoMo”. The Miami Marlin is bro-worthy for Twitter alone, and now you can un-follow that girl from college with tweets that ram Pinterest down your throat.
The Walk on Water Bro
CJ Wilson is from Newport Beach. CJ Wilson is making 77 million dollars over the next 5 years. CJ Wilson owns a motorsports racing team. CJ Wilson believes in a “straight edge” lifestyle, abstaining from drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous sex. CJ Wilson has a charity for children. CJ Wilson is better than you. CJ Wilson forgives you.
The Stereotypical SoCal Bro
When Jared is not throwing a no-hitter he enjoys surfing and robbing a bank while wearing a mask resembling a former US President. Point Break reference
The Chameleon Bro
For me most Saturdays in college were spent waking up, greeting the day, and prompting showering by 8pm. Jeff Samardzija’s Saturdays were spent on the NBC family of networks breaking school records as a wide receiver for the University of Notre Dame. The long haired athlete decided he was a better baseball player though and withdrew from the NFL draft for a shot in MLB, much like a nine year old Asian child winning the National Spelling Bee and enrolling in AP Calculus.
The Rest of the Pitching Staff Bro-thletes
Tim The Freak Bro Lincecum
Mat Anger Management Bro Latos
Stephen The God’s Gift Bro Strasberg
The Prank Specialist Bro
The Met’s lefty is tops in MLB in appearances, and while his name may not ring a bell, it’s impressive considering a few years ago he was working overnights at a Target. He’s also 38 years old. When closer Frank Francisco made headlines calling the crosstown Yankees “chickens” Byrdak made a trip to Chinatown and purchased a live chicken to act as clubhouse mascot and received approval from the Mets super fan himself via Twitter to name the bird “Little Jerry Seinfeld”. Striking again when David Wright was surprisingly surpassed in All Star voting by Pablo Sandoval, the left handed specialist quickly made his own t-shirt to voice his strong opinion.
The Refugee Bro
If the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Bay of Pigs invasion had a love child they would name it Aroldis. Who else can (try and follow along) flee Cuba by way of the Netherlands, celebrate American prosperity by flying a hooker to Pittsburgh only for her to claim she was tied up and robbed in his room and then charged with filing a false police report, be sued for wrongfully accusing a man for human trafficking in order to win favor from the Cuban government, and be arrested for driving with a suspended license, all before he’s 25 years old? Tell me your ultimate bro is someone who can hit 105mph with his arm and 93mph with a car and a suspended license and I’ll tell you you’ll need to learn Spanish.
The Unstable Bro
Who else would you want as your closer besides someone who has a full do-birds-live-in-there beard and talks as if he’s constantly blacked out and on a 25 game beer pong winning streak? There’s something about the nature and unique style of the “Fear the Beard” pitcher that can simultaneously say “let’s grab a drink and talk pitching” and “I might make you eat your cell phone because I’m bored”.
The Bro Amongst Bros Bro
If there's a one man who is bro enough to lead this team it's the black rimmed Joe Maddon. He's a player's manager and an "uncle" figure to his perennial roster of Rays farmhands (think older uncle Jesse-type uncle not creepy Sandusky-type uncle). When he's not in season, the manager of bros can be found running Vincent's Drugstore with his nine kids and wife Wendy Peffercorn.
The Godfather Bro
What MLBro-xperience is complete without the immortal Vin Scully outlining every important and monotone detail? In fact if Vin told me to stay tuned to the broadcast after the game as he will eventually be calling the sunrise I’m not sure if I’d be able to turn the channel. I’d listen to him call arbitrary events like buying produce, getting your license renewed at the DMV, or telling us “this call to the gynecologist is brought to you by Rheingold Beer”. I can hear it now as his baritone drawl projects “and the count moves to 1 and 2 in the Wal-Mart men’s room". Ha, potty humor.