Professional baseball players range from a could-be-your-math-tutor Greg Maddux to a could-be-your-county-lockup-bunkmate John Rocker. Usually we like a Bro somewhere in the middle, the kind of guy who can be paid millions of dollars to play the same sport most of us pee’d our stirrups playing and still seem like someone you’d want to hang out with. Or at least list as an acquaintance on Facebook.
Our bros The Roosevelts are on a trip across America trying to complete Windows Phone Baseball Bucket List. Did you see them on TV last night at the derby trying to catch Bautista home runs? Tonight they are in Kansas City live tweeting photos of random stuff from the All-Star game. Tweet them things to do at @RSVLTS and/or by using the hash-tag #WPbaseball.
These aren’t the only bros in the bigs, but they’d all be a better choice to be around than Kei Igawa.
The Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better Bro
Joe Mauer could’ve ended the controversial legal battle for the seat of US Senator from Minnesota a few years back by running on the Independent or Sweet Sideburns Party ticket. Born, raised, and dominating the state of Minnesota, the Head and Shoulders rep is the only athlete to ever win USA Today’s High School Athlete of the year for both baseball and football. It’s a tough pill to swallow knowing Mauer can hit better, throw farther, run faster, and menstruate cooler than you.
The Legacy Bro
Prince is the kind of bro that had a childhood the rest of us would envy as he grew up with a major league slugger for a dad. This can mean he’s the type of bro that also has deep seeded issues with said childhood and the desire to create his own legacy, like George W going back to Iraq, or every single Kennedy. Needless to say he and his father aren’t as close as when Prince hit one out of Tiger Stadium during Cecil’s batting practice when he was 12 years old. I like to picture this event with the role of Prince played by the fat black Lost Boy from the movie Hook. Bangarang Rufio.
The "Cooler Than You" Bro
When you watched the Fresh Prince of Bel Air for the first time if you didn’t think Will Smith was the coolest dude you had ever seen then you must tell me what being blind is like. Brandon Phillips, with his multiple Golden Gloves and Silver Slugger awards, sits on his throne as the prince of Cincinnati, which is a little like sponsoring a hungry infomercial child for pennies a day and calling yourself a proud parent; not really the same thing. Phillip’s rule of cool began though when he was included as a prospect along with Cliff Lee, and Grady Sizemore among others in a trade for Bartolo Colon, a move that surprisingly has not initiated any reports of suicide. Phillips has gone on to entertain and interact with fans, become a web gem machine, and exemplify a level of cool in the clubhouse amongst a sea of white Carltons’.
The Loyal Bro
No one can doubt “Tulo” had the best intentions when he called out former teammate Ubaldo Jimenez for being seemingly ungrateful for his time spent in Colorado. Rightfully so, as Tulowitzki is a member of the Rockies for the better part of the next decade and receives the 12th highest contract value in all of sports. Originally a Long Beach State brogan, Tulo has committed to being ingrained in the baseball history of Colorado, and if his persistent injuries continue he’ll have most fans saying that John Denver was full of shit.
The Overachieving Bro
Alvarez has found success this year for an upstart expansion franchise called the Pittsburgh Pirates. A highly touted prospect who hits for big power and low average, he dominated NYC high school baseball and has the look of a menacing batter even Henry Roegardner would have a tough time striking out. While many pitchers have easily “floated” it past Pedro in the bigs so far though, his bro-worthiness stems from his home-run-or-die trying efforts in the resurging Steel City.
The Product If Two Bro’s Had A Baby Bro
Always entertaining, pleasantly appealing, and recently voted the 4th Most Overrated Player in the bigs by a panel of his peers, Swish represents the bro everyone hates, unless he’s on your team. I imagine this is what most humans think of Shia LaBeouf, unless they cast him in their film. I also imagine most humans will never cast actors, nor create films.
The Chosen Bro
In 1992 Mr. Baseball starring Tom Selleck and the guy who tells you you’re in good hands with Allstate changed the history of modern cinema forever, or at least that’s how I remember it. In 1992 Bryce Harper was born. When I was 17, I was drinking Smirnoff Ice in the woods, and while it sounds like I was pioneering the art of “Icing” on the set of "Deliverance," it was embarrassingly on purpose. When Bryce Harper was 17 he was drafted first overall and became a multimillionaire. Pair that with his taste in cars and that’s about the best way I can define “Bro-envy”.
Giancarlo “Don’t Call Me Mike, At Least Anymore” Stanton
The What’s In a Name Bro
To make the change from “that Mike kid is pretty tan” to furthermore be known as “Giancarlo” all in an offseason must mean you’ve arrived. It isn’t like Stanton was one of those bros who correct you when you call them Mike with the ever so douche-y “I prefer Michael” either. It would be essentially as if the world knew you as Brian, and one spring you declared you prefer to be called Thor, God of Thunder. Although at 6’5” 250lbs that’s exactly what “Giancarlo” might mean.