In the coming weeks, you’ll be inundated with fantasy football advice. Good and decent people have crunched the numbers every conceivable way and truly believe they alone hold the keys to make-believe football glory. They’ll tell you who to draft and why.
Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo. You won’t get any Tony Romo hate from me. The world is already too full of naysayers who think his ability as a player is affected because he wears a backwards hat or dates a blond singer. That being said, anyone who feels confident enough to draft Romo shouldn’t be trusted. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
New York Giants: David Wilson. Eli Manning has such a football in his pants for Victor Cruz that not even the sight of a naked Carnie Wilson could make it go away. Plus, Wilson will probably be benched indefinitely by Tom Coughlin for being six seconds late for a team meeting and the media will applaud Ol’ Tom for his take-no-shit attitude. Coughlin is a dick.
Washington Redskins: Santana Moss. It’s not 2005 anymore, Bros. Moss is listed as a third-string wideout. That’s just sad. Well, not as sad as the eventual season-ending injury suffered by Robert Griffin III in Week 4. You heard it here first.
Philadelphia Eagles: Any quarterback. Chip Kelly is bringing offensive principles honed at Oregon. Will they work in the NFL? That’s debatable. If they play as uptempo as everyone assumes they will, many points will be scored. But establishing a No. 1 quarterback out of this group seems like an impossible task. We already know Kelly is a slave to no norm and it wouldn’t be surprising for him to line up a rotation of three signal callers behind center. It’s going to be an interesting season in Philly, but keeping that soap opera away from your fantasy team seems like a good idea.
Chicago Bears: Devin Hester. Stop trying to make this guy into a viable part of any offense. It’s not going to happen. Admitting failure would be the first step in rehabilitation.
Detroit Lions: Mikel Leshoure. Quarterback Matthew Stafford received a big, shiny contract in the offseason. Think he’s not going to put up big numbers at the possible detriment of his team? Clearly, you’ve never watched the Lions play. Their offense consists of two plays: throw it to Calvin Johnson and get sacked trying to throw it to Calvin Johnson.
Green Bay Packers: Eddie Lacy. Actually, I think he's going to have a nice season. On the other hand, I'm fiercely loyal to my "No Fatties" rule.
Minnesota Vikings: Anyone not named Adrian Peterson. Have you seen the predictions Mr. 2,000 has for himself? In order to reach these lofty goals, he'll have to forcibly take the ball from Christian Ponder on passing downs. Go ahead, try telling Peterson he can't do something. We all saw how that turned out last season.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Peyton Hillis. I know, I know. He IS white. But let's judge people on the color of skin. Let's judge them on their yards per carry and ability to stay healthy.
Carolina Panthers: DeAngelo-Williams-Jonathan-Stewart. Combined, these two do the power of one running back – that is, when Cam Newton isn't doing that cool Superman thing on the goal line.
Atlanta Falcons: Jacquizz Rodgers. Not so sure we should be rewarding names like this. Better to be safe than sorry.
New Orleans Saints: Their defense. Mark this down: Drew Brees will throw for six touchdowns in a loss this season. It's going to be awkward for everyone except Saints fans who can't count to 42 anyway.
Seattle Seahawks: Golden Tate. Notre Dame sucks.
St. Louis Rams: Whoever replaced Danny Amendola. See, I don't even know. There has never been a team in any sport harder to care about than the Rams.
Arizona Cardinals: Except the Cardinals. Since I have to list a name, I'll say Rashard Mendenhall because he’s bad at social media.
San Francisco 49ers: Anquan Boldin. Nothing against the newly acquired Super Bowl champ, but it's my working theory John Harbaugh only acquired the guy to exact some sort of high-level mindfuckery on his brother. Take one look at his guy and tell me he wouldn't do that.