It’s been a long, hard, and often dysfunctional road, but in the end, two Dicks are standing where 64 once stood. This year’s bracket had it all, from No. 16 seeds toppling No. 1’s, to a Championship derived solely from underdog victories. Before diving into this week’s breakdown, let’s honor our recent round of Circumcisions:
NBA Champion: #9) Marcin Gortat: “The Polish Hammer”
MLB Champion: #2) Ryan Braun*: “The Hebrew Hammer." R.I.P. Hammer Brothers. May you forever touch skinless tips in the Dick Nick Afterlife.
And now, what we’ve all been waiting for—
The 2013 Dick Nick Championship:
#10) Doug Martin: “The Muscle Hamster” vs. #12) Douglas Murray: “Crankshaft”
En route to the Finals, Crankshaft (#12) upset The Mule (#5), Guzzler (#4), Baby Dominator (#9), Optimus Reim (#10), and The Hebrew Hammer (#2) without batting an eye. The Muscle Hamster faced a similarly perilous path in the form of The Milkman (#7), Megatron (#2), #6 Beast Mode (#6), Pocket Hercules (#8), and The Polish Hammer (#9). These two warriors enter the Final a combined 10-0 against higher-ranked opponents. Sadly for one, somebody’s “O” has to go.
Can The Muscle Hamster burrow his way to a sixth straight upset, along with the 2013 Dick Nick Championship, or will Crankshaft continue grinding away without the slightest sign of remorse? Without further adieu…