The other day we had a revelation while crushing Nattys and slinging lacrosse balls around the office: We’ve never published a list of the biggest Bros in sports. We’ve never compiled a list of the athletes in the public spotlight who seem to live life to the fullest, love to party, and are generally obsessed with being as freaking sweet as humanly possible. Thus, we put our heads together to rank the biggest, hardest-partying Bros in sports. These are dudes who make other dudes jealous: Not just for what they can accomplish on the field, but how awesome their lives are out-of-uniform as well. They are animals in all the right ways:
He’s an utter lunatic, prone to headbutting guards sans helmet. He isn’t afraid to break out a celebration dance after the most minor of tackles. And no other football player has sounded more stereotypically bro-ish than when Cushing once, on-camera, questioned Arian Foster about his “haikus.”
Just because you don’t drink doesn’t mean you’re not a Bro. Why does he deserve to be here? That’s a clown question, bro.
The shameless sexual exploits are there, obviously, but Tiger makes the list because no athlete, in history, has ever acted more bro-ish with a reporter. It happened in the late-90s. Tiger wasn’t yet perfectly media-trained. And with GQ’s Charles Pierce, he was unafraid to talk about video games, girls, and the finer points of dirty joke telling. It was Peak Tiger Bro-ness.
Lara Dutta, Rachel Uchitel, Joy Enriquez, Mariah Carey, Vida Guerra, Vanessa Minnillo, Jordana Brewster, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Adriana Lima, Minka Kelly, Hannah Davis…need I find other reasons why he is Bro? No, I needn’t.
Have you seen him walk? I mean, HAVE YOU SEEN HIM WALK? That right there is an I-have-massive-balls swagger if I’ve ever seen one (and rumor has it I HAVE seen one). Other WWE Bros may be able to kick his ass, but he owns the fucking company and nothing is more Bro than being the boss.
Scott Van Pelt
Yeah, whatever, he’s not an athlete, but name a bigger Bro in sportscasting? You can’t! You just can’t! ESPN’s best personality earns his bro-nafides from his wit, his affinity to sit front row at Terrapin games, and Dewey Beach.
He lifts, Bro. He lifts.
The Mad Russian of the NHL can run a dangle city clinic. Ovie’s the Michael Jordan of Russia and even once made out with two girls at the same time while getting profiled by GQ. Worthy of a fist-bump.
While he may be stuck behind a booth or desk these days he is still an in-your-face figure in the sports world. Sir Charles makes the list because Sir Charles gives no fucks. And we applaud that.
The King. The only golfer who has been seen kissing Kate Upton. Kate Freaking Upton! He’s 83-years-old. That’s old man swagger if such a thing ever existed. Game over. The King wins.
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Bar fights, swinging his helmet at people during plays. I wouldn’t want to be on his bad side, but I bet he’s a hell of a good time wherever he’s drinking. Shots are on Richie. Hell I bet he puts down a bottle of whiskey before taking the field every Sunday.
He’s like a less-offensive Johnny Football. Also: Loves sorority girls.
Drugs, Cheating, Lying. Probably some sex. Hot girlfriend. Ryan Braun’s steroid scandal reads like a night out on the Jersey Shore. Hate on him for “disgracing the sanctity of baseball” all you want, but don’t call him not a Bro.
If I had to give someone some serious life advice, it would probably twofold. Don’t get a neck tattoo; don’t take PCP. But Birdman did both that. And you know what, Birdman ain’t care. You gotta respect him for that.
Back in 2011, the most lovable punter in the NFL was arrested for public intoxication after jumping in a canal in Indianapolis. His exchange with the cop, as reported in the police report, is the most Bro thing ever:
Police asked McAfee if he had been swimming in the canal.
“I am not sure,” he replied.
Police then asked, “How did you get wet?”
“It was raining,” said McAfee.
“Where is your shirt?”
“It’s in the water.”
“How are you getting home?”
“I am waiting for a friend to come get me.”
“Where is your friend?”
“I am getting a cab.”
“Do you want me to call a cab?”
“I will walk home.”
“You cannot walk home.”
“Why can’t I walk home?”
“You are drunk and it is not safe.”
“I know I am drunk but does that mean I cannot walk home?”
“How much did you drink?”
“A lot ’cause I am drunk.”
He’s a Savior to Lions fans everywhere. Also: Have you ever seen his hot girlfriend, former UGA cheerleader Kelly Hall, dance? Ummm…. She’s pretty good at it.
Hey, he has to be good at something, right? He’s got a larger-than-life personality and he’s not afraid to use it. He quickly ingratiates himself with the local fanbase, charms them with his eccentricities and then moves onto the next town. He’s a sabremetrician’s Bro, but a Bro nonetheless.
He’s a two-time Stanley Cup winner. But he may be even more legendary after-hours. His partying prowess is unmatched and he does little to combat the frat-boy persona he’s taken on. No shame in his game. Dude almost single-handedly shut down the University of Wisconsin’s famed Mifflin Street block party (RIP).
Johnny Football is on top of the world and it’s only his sophomore year. The A&M quarterback had a mugshot from a bar fight in College Station before his Heisman-winning season. His frat party-crashing tactics at the University of Texas are downright legendary. Oh, did we mention his the ladies he hangs out with, including his ex-squeeze, Sarah Savage? She’s OK:
All hail Gronk, king of the Bros. Even when he’s injured Gronk still manages to be the biggest stud in the NFL, dancing with his shirt off at LSU frat bars and in Vegas clubs. All it took was one pic of Gronk hanging out with pornstar BiBi Jones to begin his ascension to the top of the Bro sports throne. He seems like a genuinely nice guy, too. No way he’s sorry for partying: