Going to the gym is a lot like going to a strip club. It feels great while you’re there, but afterwards you’re too aware of your own weaknesses. Going to the gym should feel wonderful. Working out makes life feel better. More often than not it’s not exercise that keeps us from going to the gym, it’s the gym that keeps us from going to the gym.
Gym Selfie: Nothing ruins working off those extra calories from the weekend than seeing someone take a picture of how good they look because they never have any fun on the weekends. The mirror in a gym is to focus on your form so you don’t get hurt, not taking pictures and making everyone hope you get hurt. No one likes a narcissist, especially one that’s in better shape than you. Seeing a gym rat take a selfie makes everyone else not want to work out because they don’t want to be associated with that douchebag.
Let Me Spot You Guy: The gym is for working out, not speed dating for friends. The let me spot you guy will not only critique your form, but give you free supplements so you have to talk to him again. Let’s be honest, everyone goes to the gym because they hate themselves. A stranger telling you that you’re doing it wrong makes you hate everything else too.
The Flirt: She works at the snack bar and she always smiles at you and winks. She knows your name and sometimes remembers things you’ve talked about. She adds an extra 15 minutes to your work out because you’re trying to figure out if she’s into you or just filling up time at work. Now you have sexual confusion to match all the muscle confusion.
Wait Time: Part of the reason we love our own apartments is because there is no wait time. It’s hard to willingly go where there is a three to ten minute wait to better a tiny portion of yourself. Watching someone stop using the machine to stretch means another set. Who knew one more set of thirteen reps is the same amount of time it takes to imagine killing a man?
Old Guys: Not only do they take longer at the stations but half the time they forget to clean the machines. When they’re not creeping on the women, they’re back on a treadmill trying to look busy. Gotta give him some credit for trying, but the only thing that’s good about the old guy at the gym are his strange T-Shirts.
Bread Foster is a NYC stand up comedian and an avid hater of the shitbags in his local gym. Follow him on Twitter: @BreadFoster
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