Per the post on Craigslist:
Players for Co-Ed Flag Football Powerhouse
What's up world?
Looking for 4 guys and 2 girls for the most kick ass co-ed flag football team imaginable. I'll be Captain and QB of course because I'm most likely the best and because I'm taking time to write this and because it's my idea.
Below is a breakdown of other positions available:
Looking for someone with blazing speed here to play receiver. Must be really fast with great hands. Think of Sydney Rice. If you have a history of concussions that's even better because I want you to really resemble Sydney Rice. Preferential treatment to African-American applicants because again. . .Sydney Rice.
Slot receiver. Major sticky hands. Bonus if you look like Wes Welker or any of those other little white guys who make great catches before getting smoked. I throw the ball to the open spot so must be willing to go over the middle and dive and do whatever it takes! Hopefully at one point in your life someone described you as “deceivingly quick.” Bonus if you have a bunch of cutoff t-shirts and if your dad used to smoke Marlboro Reds.
The 'must have' for this person is a C-A-R. We are going to want to carpool because showing up together is intimidation like you read about. When the other teams see us all getting out of your Ford Mustang, they'll be all like “oh shit look how sweet that car is!” (Bonus points if you already have a Ford Mustang, if not we'll check out lease options).
Looking for a big guy here. Someone who can kick some ass on the O-line. Also please be gay. There are gay players in the NFL so there has to be at least 1 but no more than 2 gay players on my team. You've heard the term speed kills, well so does diversity.
Really looking for a shutdown corner here. In the vein of Richard Sherman. Don't need to be overly strong but needs to be able to jam receivers at the line. No excuses and please be able to write a weekly column for my blog just like Sherman does for MMQB. I will be reviewing writing samples before making my final decision.
Need, need, need a big gal here to protect my blind side. I don't have good vision out of my left eye from a sledding accident when I was a child so you really need to have my back. Literally. Want someone strong like Holly Mangold and with her awesome personality as well. Basically, need Holley Mangold. I've emailed her several times but to no avail. If you could actually get me Holley Mangold you could be team manager instead of girl 2.
So there you have it. Do you have what it takes to join me and kick some ass this spring? We'll of course do some happy hours but only when we win. Losing sucks and I bet great coaches like Jeff Fisher and Brian Kelly don't go party after losses.
A few more rules, should you be lucky enough to make the team:
• No sex during the season. I'm told sex makes you lose focus and everyone should be razor sharp.
• Definitely no dating anyone on the team. Football is hard enough to play without having silly love feelings interjected on every snap. Play kissy face and watch A Walk to Remember another time.
• I will be called “coach” at all times. Whenever we are together as a team I will be your coach (this means at a bar, on the field or in the Mustang). If I tell you to stop drinking or to slow down while driving you will listen or be docked 5 coach points. I'll explain the system at the first practice.
• I will appointment someone “Assistant Captain” midway through the season. The first half will be used to judge who has what it takes to send team emails, organize stretching and call heads or tails. Just kidding, we always fucking call tails!
• I'll need everyone's Facebook passwords just to make sure you're taking the season seriously. I really want to win and you should too.
• Memorize a playbook! I have over 462 customized plays based on the various defensive fronts. If you don't know how to memorize or have some kind of learning disease then don't apply. A sample play we used last year (but won't use again because I always change them) is: “Strong right, Woogie, 142 Flip left screen option on 4.” What play is that you ask? Easy, it's the before half kneel down. Got it?
I look forward to hearing from you guys. Remember, Goonies Never Say Die!
P.S., we will be called the Goonies.
[Image via ShutterStock]