The foreplay is over. Time for the full-on penetration. What’s going to happen in the NFL Playoffs this weekend, you ask? Well, let me look into my crystal ball and paint you a picture you can hang in your breakfast nook.
Cincinnati (+4.5) vs. HOUSTON
On paper, this looks like the least interesting of the four matchups. That’s what they want you to think. “They” suck. Brace yourself for an anything-goes, balls-out extravaganza. We’re talking points aplenty, big plays everywhere you look, and an ending that will make you hate the “Lost” finale even more than you already do.
The Texans were arguably the most impressive team in the league for a majority of the season, but they’ve looked downright beatable since Thanksgiving. Visiting Detroit can really fuck a person up. Trust me, I know.
The Bengals will undoubtedly be inspired by that tiger from the “Life of Pi” previews. Seriously, that thing makes me want to live a better life. SO MAJESTIC.
Also, A.J. Green is a bad man who catches things like it’s his job. He wears No. 18, which I’ve always felt never got enough love. You’ve got to respect a number that looks like a snowman using a cane.
Andy Dalton is doing great things for redheads who want to feel like society accepts them. He won’t let them down.
Reggie’s pick: Cincinnati 24, Houston 23
GREEN BAY (-7.5) vs. Minnesota
Adrian Peterson’s dream season will come to an unceremonious end at Lambeau Field. I say this because there’s no justice in this world. In a fair existence, the Vikings go in there, run the ball 68 times and walk away with a 7-6 win. VIKES GIVE PACKERS PURPLE NURPLE. That’s a headline anyone without cheese-stained hands can get behind.
In reality, the Packers are going to cruise. Aaron Rodgers has had things on autopilot for most of the year and will have a full complement of wide receivers to aim the football at. DANGER.
Randall Cobb will do something Randall Cobb-y. Book it.
Reggie’s pick: Green Bay 38, Minnesota 21
Indianapolis (-7) vs. Baltimore
Get ready for several hours of Andrew Luck and Ray Lewis hyperbole. Which one is going to cure cancer first? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT. Only on CBS.
The Colts are the feel-good story of the year. If Chuck Pagano’s saga doesn’t make you feel feelings, then you’re a certifiably awful person. That ordeal, plus Luck performing Festivus-approved feats of strength on Sundays has obscured the fact that this 11-5 team is one of the worst 11-5 teams in NFL history. Getting wet, Indy? That’s me raining on your parade.
For all the horrible things about Joe Flacco—and there are plenty – he’s a playoff veteran. He should avoid the big mistake and, more importantly, he knows exactly where Ray Rice likes to be rubbed with the ball. They’re close like that.
To me, this is the biggest mismatch on the board so I’ll call it a lock. Here’s the part you call me an idiot, Hoosiers. Bring it. Jimmy Chitwood benefitted from a moving screen and you all know it.
Reggie's pick: Baltimore 29, Indianapolis 14
Seattle (-3) vs. WASHINGTON
I love both of these teams so much. No one thought either of them would be here. Each has a quarterback that makes my jeans SO tight. It’s a shame someone has to lose.
If Robert Griffin III was healthy, I’d be all over the Skins like makeup on Heidi Montag. Unfortunately, he’s banged up. A less-than-fit running QB against the Seahawks defense is a recipe for disaster – like me with any recipe. Candidly, I once ruined a batch of cookies I was helping my mother with by putting salt in instead of sugar. Haven’t heard much from my parents since then.
Reggie’s pick: Seattle 20, Washington 16