Sports
by Mike Camerlengo on December 30, 2013

We’re looking for a great coach to come help our shitty football team become less shitty. Do you like working 18-hour days breaking down film of our shitty players doing shit things like missing blocks and throwing interceptions? Are you interested in wearing a sweatshirt with our shitty logo on it while answering questions of why your receivers have an easier time holding on to a pound of marijuana over an actual football? Want to report to a really shitty rich guy who has never played a snap in his life and will demean you in both public and private whenever he wants?

If you answered yes to any of those shitty questions then you’re our guy.

A few other perks of the job!

- A shitty contract that we will rip up the minute we deem you’ve become even shittier than us.

- A shitty GM that will select shitty players and pretend like they’re actually good.

- A shitty fanbase that will boo when you punt on 4th and 8 from your own 40 even though you haven’t gotten a first down since the last very dry handjob you received. (Hint, it was in the early 90s).

- A shitty local TV and/or Radio show that pairs you up with shitty former players who make their living off signing autographs at the shittiest TGI Friday’s you’ve ever seen.

- A shitty old flowbee to give yourself a shitty square haircut.

- Shitty free meals at our shitty cafeteria that even people on Death Row would deem unacceptable.

- A shitty divorce lawyer to preside over your shitty failed marriage.

- A shitty assistant who spends most of her time putting shitty filters on her shitty Instagram pics.  

- A bunch of shitty texts from blood brothers Adam Schefter and Chris Mortensen asking about the status of your shitty job.

- A shitty press conference right around Christmas to announce even you are too shitty for our shitty team.

What do you say? Have what it takes to waste thousands of hours of your one shitty life attempting to save a shitty sinking ship only to be thrown out on Christmas Eve in the shittiest way possible?

This shitty job will be gone fast, so act now. But no worries if we don’t select you, the position will open up in a year or so and we’ll keep your shitty resume on file!

Warmest Regards,

The Shittiest Organization in the History of Man

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