Some guy printed out an AR-15 rifle
The Internet’s Best Live Webcam Features Bears Catching Salmon

Overlord David Stern Releases NBA 2012-2013 Schedule: Here’s What You Need To Know

By / 07.27.12

October 30th: 

  • The season opens with the Washington Wizards visting the Cleveland Cavaliers, a showcase matchup that features the best of what the NBA has to offer. As if this weren't enough of a dissapointment, Kyrie Irving will not be dressing up as an old man
  • More of a riot prevention tactic than anything, the Wizards/Cavs epic will be followed by the Heat hosting the Celtics, which will be followed by Mavericks visiting the Lakers 
  • The Heat will be receiving their championship rings, which will likely force Paul Pierce's chin to protrude more than usual.
  • Will be interesting to see how Ray Allen's mom fits in with the other Heat parents. Will they welcome her with open arms, or will she be forced to endure a series of middle school clique exclusion tactics? 

October 31st:

  • The Brow makes his NBA debut, facing up against Tim Duncan and the Spurs
  • This will be the first time a father guards his son

November 1st: 

  • Brooklyn goes hard, as the Nets host the Knicks at the newly gentrified Barclays Center
  • The game is likely to shatter the previous single-game record of most slam-poets in attendance

December 17th: 

  • Jeremy Lin returns to Madison Square Garden 
  • James Dolan hides under a table 
  • The over/under on number of minutes Sportscenter talks about the postgame Lin/Carmelo handshake is set at 246. 

December 25th 

  • The NBA features the ultimate crown-jewel of not-so important games overhyped solely because big market potential, as the Knicks play the Lakers 
  • The real matchup on Christmas Day is the Thunder/Heat, their first meeting since the NBA Finals. Yes, buddy. 

March 20th

  • LeBron returns to Cleveland as an NBA Champion of Champions of chosen Championship-tude, which will likely receive much more coverage than it needs to partly because people like me will be blogging about it incessantly 

All Season

  • Blake Griffin will continue to star in commercials where its impossible to tell whether he's uncannily hiliarious or awkward as f*ck
  • The phrase KAAAAAAHHHN will be uttered by sportwriters and media-types approximately 984 times.  
  • Teams will actually get days off
  • With a crop of rising young teams (Pacers, Grizzlies, Clippers, and my darkhorse T-Wolves), a crop of “yea, we ready” teams (Heat, Thunder, Bulls) and an uncompromising old guard (Lakers, Spurs, Celts), this should be another season for the ages.  


TAGSDavid SternHeatJeremy LinKnicksLebron
About Lance Pauker...

I want more like this!

Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.

MORE STORIES FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Join The Discussion


Comments are closed.

Sign Up