Sports
by Lance Pauker on July 27, 2012

October 30th: 

  • The season opens with the Washington Wizards visting the Cleveland Cavaliers, a showcase matchup that features the best of what the NBA has to offer. As if this weren't enough of a dissapointment, Kyrie Irving will not be dressing up as an old man
  • More of a riot prevention tactic than anything, the Wizards/Cavs epic will be followed by the Heat hosting the Celtics, which will be followed by Mavericks visiting the Lakers 
  • The Heat will be receiving their championship rings, which will likely force Paul Pierce's chin to protrude more than usual.
  • Will be interesting to see how Ray Allen's mom fits in with the other Heat parents. Will they welcome her with open arms, or will she be forced to endure a series of middle school clique exclusion tactics? 

October 31st:

  • The Brow makes his NBA debut, facing up against Tim Duncan and the Spurs
  • This will be the first time a father guards his son

November 1st: 

  • Brooklyn goes hard, as the Nets host the Knicks at the newly gentrified Barclays Center
  • The game is likely to shatter the previous single-game record of most slam-poets in attendance

December 17th: 

  • Jeremy Lin returns to Madison Square Garden 
  • James Dolan hides under a table 
  • The over/under on number of minutes Sportscenter talks about the postgame Lin/Carmelo handshake is set at 246. 

December 25th 

  • The NBA features the ultimate crown-jewel of not-so important games overhyped solely because big market potential, as the Knicks play the Lakers 
  • The real matchup on Christmas Day is the Thunder/Heat, their first meeting since the NBA Finals. Yes, buddy. 

March 20th

  • LeBron returns to Cleveland as an NBA Champion of Champions of chosen Championship-tude, which will likely receive much more coverage than it needs to partly because people like me will be blogging about it incessantly 

All Season

  • Blake Griffin will continue to star in commercials where its impossible to tell whether he's uncannily hiliarious or awkward as f*ck
  • The phrase KAAAAAAHHHN will be uttered by sportwriters and media-types approximately 984 times.  
  • Teams will actually get days off
  • With a crop of rising young teams (Pacers, Grizzlies, Clippers, and my darkhorse T-Wolves), a crop of “yea, we ready” teams (Heat, Thunder, Bulls) and an uncompromising old guard (Lakers, Spurs, Celts), this should be another season for the ages.