WWE Raw was live in San Antonio fresh off the heals of Elimination Chamber. Here’s some fun things you missed on a night that kinda felt like a post-Wrestlemania night.
A Roman Empire vs. Royalty
In the opening segment of Raw, The Sour Patch kids known as The Authority make their way to the ring and Stephanie McMahon introduces us to the real WWE Champion, Seth Rollins. Stephanie explains that Dean Ambrose has stolen a lot of things in the past like the true criminal he is; The WWE Championship, Money in the Bank briefcases, but most importantly, our hearts. An irate Triple H then demands that Dean Ambrose come out and bring the WWE Championship with him. Roman Reigns interrupts and says that Ambrose isn’t at Raw tonight and he may never come back until he gets what he wants.
Reigns is apparently being the Heyman to Ambrose’s Lesnar. Reigns says that Ambrose wants a rematch for the WWE Championship in a ladder match at Money in the Bank. Reigns runs down Rollins (try saying that 3 times fast) and claims that Rollins is the worst WWE Championship ever. Seth Rollins then throws a temper tantrum and says he doesn’t need The Authority, J&J Security, or a 7 foot piece of crap (Kane) and storms out of the ring. Mommy and Daddy H then get in Reigns’ face and says that he’s in the Money in the Bank ladder match ONLY if he wins his match tonight…which is RIGHT NOW!
Roman Reigns DEFEATS King Barrett: If Roman Reigns loses, he will be out of the Money in the Bank ladder match; however, taking Reigns’ spot will be King Barrett! King Barrett always puts on great matches even though he randomly loses to R-Truth for no reason at times. This was a fun match to kick off the show which was evenly matched. Barrett set up Reigns for the Bull Hammer and Reigns pulls off an awesome counter into a powerbomb! As Reigns sets up for the Superman Punch, Barrett goes to the outside and rakes the eyes of Reigns. Barrett tries to capitalize but he’s met with a Spear! Reigns picks up the win!
Kevin Owens Tosses a Grenade
Kevin Owens speaks! Kevin explains that when he says he’s going to do something, he does it. Owens says that he should be on top of the world but he isn’t. He says that he called home to speak to his wife and son and that his son is a fan of John Cena. Owens Jr asked Poppa Owens if John Cena was okay. Owens says so many awesome things that I don’t even wanna try and periphrase it. But most of the promo had me like this…
Go back and watch this promo! Anyways, Buzz Killington John Cena comes out and opens with “Kevin Owens is a jackass.” Cena says that everyone is talking about Kevin Owens and that he needs to stop running his mouth. Cena gives a passionate promo about never giving up and even points out a kid in the audience who is battling cancer. Nice try, John. You can play the cancer card, but you’ll never break me, John. You’ll never break me. Never give up, right? Anyways, go check out that whole segment. Both men were solid in it!!
Titus O’Neil Is A Beast!
Dolph Ziggler(w/ Lana) DEFEATS Kofi Kingston: Before the match, The New Day says that The WWE Universe has champions in their presence again. Xavier Woods claims The New Day is hot and on fire. Big E then does his best DeVon Dudley impression and says that once Kofi wins Money in the Bank, ALL The New Day will win Money in the Bank. Dolph Ziggler makes his entrance and this match is underway. Ziggler surprisingly makes some quick work out of Kofi Kingston with a rollup, which leads to New Day attacking Ziggler after the match. Prime Time Players run down to make the save and chase The New Day off of Ziggler. Which then evolves this match into…
Prime Time Players & Dolph Ziggler DEFEAT The New Day! I’m happy to see The Prime Time Players getting a push. Between Raw and Elimination Chamber, Titus O’Neil has looked amazing and has truly made Pancake Patterson proud. ORRAAH ORRAH ORAAAAH (or however you spell it)
Rusev Has Lost His Smile…And Possibly His Accent?
Backstage, Rusev hobbles into an interview with Byron Saxton. Byron asks Rusev what his current state of mind is based off his injury and losing Lana. Rusev says that he has nothing. No career. No championship. No woman. He’s a broken man. But he confidently says he will get it all back.
The Pop of Dean Ambrose
You tricked us, Roman! Dean is at Raw!
As for the rest of Raw…
The Ryback/The Miz (for the Intercontinental Championship): Before the match, Ryback says that he’s proud to be standing as our Intercontinental Championship and when it comes to challengers, FEED ME MORE. The Miz and Ryback are about to square off until The Big Show makes his return with the internet giving a loud, collective, annoyed “fyuuuck.” The Big Show KO Punches The Miz and says that if anyone is going to take that championship from Ryback, it’s going to be The Big Show.
Roman Reigns DEFEATS Mark Henry: Roman Reigns gets an injury to his eye at some point in the match, but that doesn’t stop these two behemoths from duking it out. Roman hits a Superman Punch on the outside and quickly makes it back into the ring before the ten count resulting in Mark Henry being counted out. After the match, Mark Henry gives Reigns The World’s Strongest Slam for a parting gift.
Backstage!! Stephanie and Triple H bump into Roman Reigns and Reigns says “let me guess, keep the vest on.” Triple H says that he should make sure to tie his vest really tight and “follow the buzzards.”
Nikki Bella DEFEATS Paige (for the Diva’s Championship): Someone’s gotta say it, Nikki Bella is just awful. I feel bad for Paige because she doesn’t really have any Diva on the roster for her to sink her teeth into. The women of NXT are ten times better than the main roster Divas. Anyways, Nikki rolls out of the ring and Brie Bella pulls Nikki under the ring and The Bellas pull off Twin Magic to beat Paige. So The Bellas are heels again? Should I care? What’s happening?! How didn’t the ref tell the difference!?! Up is down!?! Black is white?! The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!!?
Randy Orton DEFEATS Sheamus(via DQ): I’ve seen these two fight way too many times, so I didn’t even look at my TV screen at all during this match. Sorry. All you need to know is Bebop didn’t come down and interfere on Sheamus’ behalf. Sheamus hits Orton with a chair to cause a disqualification.
Neville DEFEATS Bo Dallas: Before the match, Bo says that he tried to help Neville, but now, he just wants to hurt him. I hate to say it, but Bo Dallas looks and sounds like how a lost boy from Peter Pan would look like once he discovered internet porn and then binge watched it for weeks. Bo tries to look aggressive but Neville picks up the win after hitting the Red Arrow.
Roman Reigns DEFEATS Bray Wyatt: Always great to see Bray Wyatt on Raw, ESPECIALLY in the main event! In a way, Wyatt has become like The Undertaker. He’s not on every episode, but when he DOES show up, you have to watch and be entertained.
Wyatt and Reigns duke it out while The Authority makes their way to the top of the ramp to keep an eye on the action. Wyatt controls most of the match with random outbursts of energy and power from Reigns. J&J and Kane eventually jump on the apron to distract Reigns but Reigns pushes Wyatt into Kane and gets a Spear. Rollins, Kane, and J&J surround Roman Reigns in the ring and then Dean Ambrose’s music hits to the crowd’s delight and Ambrose and Reigns clean house…with the WWE Championship still in tow. And they lived happily ever after.
Next stop, SmackDown.
Follow Adam Lucidi on Twitter @adamlucidi.