Sports
by Kyle Koster on April 1, 2014

kentucky-national-title-tat

The internet had a field day with Tyler Austin Black, the Kentucky Wildcats fan who prematurely celebrated his beloved squad’s national championship with a very permanent — and equally gaudy — tattoo. At the time, such widespread condemnation seemed less mean-spirited and more logic-based. After all, John Calipari’s band of freshman phenoms had under-performed all season and looked more interested in big NBA money than actual on-court competition.

Many people just felt bad for a man they believed lacked the foresight to see the long-term consequences of his actions.

But then something surprising happened. The ‘Cats grew claws and scratched their way through a murderers’ row of heavyweights in the East Region, earning a trip to North Texas and the Final Four. Suddenly everyone remembered why this team was ranked No. 1 entering the season.

With just two more victories, Kentucky will cut down the nets and Black’s ink, which was so universally mocked, will take on a poignant and poetic nature.

And you know what? Good for him. Shame on the rest of us for trying to prove we’re smarter than him.

So with that bit of humility in mind, let’s explore some other future markets to buy into with a pound of inked fleshed. Sure, the world at large may laugh at your boldness, but you’ll look like a genius if these prove relevant.

sonics

Seattle SuperSonics: NBA Champions, 2021: It’s a damn shame what David Stern and his band of businessmen did to the good people of Seattle. But anyone who saw the all-out jamboree that follows the Seahawks — or Sounders for that matter — has to
think the city will get another chance with another franchise. And once they do, look out for that homecourt advantage.

chris-christie

Chris Christie: President-Elect, 2020: The New Jersey governor’s Bridgegate scandal will cost him his bid in two years. But he’ll rise like a phoenix from the ashes. With the help of an insane fitness program, he’ll become an Adonis of a man, and that will be his rallying cry. “If I could fix the mess that was my torso, just think what I could do with the economy.” Dude’s a lock.

China: First Man on Mars, 2017: Not saying the guy is going to survive very long up there. Also not saying I think the Chinese would care very much.

bieber-high-plane

Justin Bieber: Something’s going to happen there. Greatness resides in that one. Maybe just a huge relief of his face across your back. You can fill in the details later.

drake-apology-text

Drake: Academy Award for Best Actor, 2018: In the infinite wisdom of Kevin Malone, if someone gives you good enough odds, you simply must take any bet.

lena-dunham

Lena Dunham, Olympic Gold Medalist – Curling, 2018: What starts as an elaborate Girls plot line turns into a obsession for the show’s creator. She quit show business completely and sweeps her way to glory. Start bracing for it now.

 

Kyle Koster

About Kyle Koster...

Kyle Koster wonders who would read this bio section.