Masturbating in a Target parking lot is no way to go through life. NFL TE Kellen Winslow was caught with his pants down, wackin’ it according to one woman. He told police that he got lost looking for a Boston Market. This might be the greatest masturbation story ever.
“As she exited her vehicle, she commented to the male regarding how cold it was. As she stood near the open driver side window of the Escalade, she observed the males [sic] erect penis. She stated that she believed he was masturbating. [The woman] provided a written statement regarding her account.”
The cop noticed Winslow was wearing “dark colored” sweatpants and wrote that “his genitals were not exposed.” But the cop also noticed “two open containers of Vaseline on his center console” and plastic bags marked “Mr. Happy” and empty plastic containers of “Funky Monkey” scattered throughout the vehicle.
Oh yeah, he got arrested for marijuana possession. That happened too.
But we should probably focus on the important part of this investigation like—wait, TWO containers of Vaseline? Bro, what are you doing? Since when is one container not enough. I’m actually worried about Winslow’s well being. Dude’s gonna blow out a forearm muscle.
Damn.
(via The Big Lead)