NFL MVP Runner-Up J.J. Watt Says He Can’t Find A Girlfriend And I Can’t Help But Feel Insulted

J.J. Watt can’t find a girlfriend. The 6’5”, 289-pound two-time NFL Defensive Player of the Year cannot find someone to love. The dude who looks more like a Transformer than a human being and who just signed a six-year contract extension totaling $100 million cannot find someone to share secrets with. THE DUDE WHO WAS SOLICITED BY LINDSEY PELAS TO “SLIDE INTO HER DMS” CAN NOT AND DID NOT SLIDE INTO HER FUCKING DMS?!

Whats wrong, J.J. this isn’t good enough for you?!

Well, it’s good enough for me Lindsey. Slide into my DMs if you’re looking for a down-to-earth blogger whose been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.

In an extensive profile on NFL.com titled ‘The Unbelievable Life of J.J. Watt’, Watt shares his trepidation about finding the right one.

Like many young celebrities, Watt worries about the motives of the potential partners who approach him. “Oh, absolutely,” he says. “That’s why it’s so difficult. You don’t know who wants you for you, who wants you for the money, who wants you for the fame. You have no idea. And how would you know? There’s no way. So that’s why you try and rely on family and friends. And then you talk about celebrities with other celebrities … someone who’s in a similar situation, so you know that they already have money and fame.

That’s really grounded and self-aware of you J.J., but no. You’re wrong. If family members can set you up with the hottest women in the world, then by all means, rely on mommy and daddy. If not, slide into a few DMs here and there. You literally have the pick of the entire universe. It’s that easy, J.J.

Correct me if I’m wrong, bro.

“But you can’t think about love on paper like that. If you’re thinking like that — Does this person want me for me? — then you’re gonna have a hell of a hard time falling in love, ’cause you’re constantly thinking about what they look like on paper. Trust me, it’s a lot more difficult than I wish it was — but I’m sure hoping to find the right one.”

God damnit, J.J. Just give me your physical abilities, your flawless public person, and your $139 million bank account balance, and I’ll find you a goddamn girlfriend.

P.S. Hey J.J., I think the real reason you can’t find a girlfriend is because you can’t find anyone you love more than yourself. BURNNN. Ow! Ow! Let go! I was kidding!

[h/t Complex]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.