I know a lot of girls who fake the sports shit. It drives me nuts and I hate try-hard bandwagoners with a chest to flaunt. But I also can’t stand women who knock baseball and their boyfriends’ love of it: “It’s so boring.” “It’s too slow.” You’re talking to the wrong person lady. I once met Aaron Boone at a bar and thanked him for giving me the greatest night of my life. As he looked totally confused and was probably trying to figure out where and when he slept with me, I had to tell him that I was at game 7 of the 2003 ALCS where his walk off 11th inning home run helped the Yankees complete an epic comeback and send them to the World Series. That game will rival my wedding day.
With spring training underway, I thought I would give a quick guide to the boys who love baseball as much as I do, who are looking to get their girlfriend’s more involved during the season.
5. Show her a picture of Bryce Harper.
I do not care if he is not legal to drink yet. He is legal to bang, and there is not a girl on earth who wouldn’t want to be covered in his eye black after having a hot, sweaty, sexy, rough sex session with him in the clubhouse. I would deal with Chris Hanson just to bang Bryce Harper, six year age difference and all. He is hot, he is talented, and he kind of has a Gosling thing going on. Your girlfriend might not know shit about turning two or a ground rule double, but I’m sure she has eyes and a vagina.
4. Tap into her spiritual side with CJ Wilson.
I love CJ Wilson. He is kind of an elitist egomaniac, but he also kind of has reason to be. If your girlfriend is religious, or one of those strict dieters, or monthly detoxes, or just a woman with a lot of self control and self-discipline, she will totally embrace CJ Wilson. Wilson is a Taoist. No idea what that means — I don’t do religion — but I think it’s one of those super spiritual selfless religions. He is also an ardent follow of the straight edge philosophy of life: no booze, alcohol, tobacco, or random sex. He is extremely focused. Any girl who finds spirituality, three month anti-alcohol detoxes, pilates, or yoga interesting would more than likely find CJ Wilson’s life choices intriguing in a vulgar baseball world of booze and jersey chasers.
3. Evoke emotion with Jorge Posada and his son.
It broke my heart when Jorge announced his retirement. I was at opening day last year and seeing him throw out the first pitch was like watching a small piece of my childhood crawl under the couch to die. However, if your girlfriend doesn’t follow baseball, she doesn’t need to know that Jorge no longer plays. All she needs to know are two things: One, he looks like Sid from Ice Age (what woman doesn’t love the Ice Age movies?) and two, he has a disabled child who suffers from craniosynostosis. All you have to do is Google a picture of Jorge in uniform with his son on the field, and your girlfriend who probably loves babies and charities and good fathers will totally fall in love. It’s truly a heartwarming story.
2. Appeal to the business side of her.
A lot of women (myself totally not included) like business and finance. When I see women from Barclays or UBS come into my bar looking like they haven’t washed their hair in ten days and they borrowed their outfit from my mother’s suit collection circa 1989, I have to assume either they are money-hungry or genuinely enjoy business and finance. It takes serious dedication to look that homely. If you have a lady lover who likes playing with the boys when it comes to this shit, why not bring in a healthy discussion of the recent fire sale of the entire Miami Marlins team? Nothing will get your nerdy finance girlfriend hotter than talking about why Jeffrey Loria needs to step down as owner of the Marlins, how shitty it is that the tax payers of Miami-Dade are paying for a billion dollar stadium that houses a barely AA team, or why MLB commissioner Bud Selig should be going after Loria for dumping their payroll and pocketing the minor benefits. If she isn’t into sports and she’s into money, this is a good segway into showing her how great baseball can be.
1. Take her to a fan fest.
Now that spring training has officially started, most of the fan fest meet-and-greets are over. But for next year, if you want to get your girlfriend rooting for your team, try taking her to a meet and greet. For one, whether she admits it or not, she will be checking out the players. I don’t care who your girlfriend is, every girl has an interest in meeting someone famous. Even if they aren’t famous – a backup outfielder on a AAA team – seeing these guys and forming some kind of weird, hand-shaking, picture-taking bond will increase your chances that she will later on want to watch these guys on TV and cheer for them during the season and playoffs. Women know how to fake relationships and over exaggerate interactions. It’s just one of those things, like breathing and sleeping.
Here’s what you do: You get a woman to shake hands with, say, Tim Lincecum, and he says something nice to her and you all take a picture. Suddenly, she is going to tell people she knows Tim Lincecum and every time he is on TV, she will want to say “Hey I know him!” and watch him to see if her fake not-really friend friend does well. Trust me. If you give her the ability to feel connected in some small way to the dude’s on the field, it will make her interest in the game, even if she has no idea what’s going on. Personal ties and associations are usually what make us fans.
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Baseball girl photos via Shutterstock