Sports
by Jordan Mooney on December 8, 2012

When you drink beer, you have to drink a lot of it to get drunk. When you have to drink a lot of something, you need to piss a lot. When you need to piss a lot, you miss parts of the game. Especially if you’re at the game, and have to walk to a bathroom, where you then have to wait in a line before you can walk all the way back to your seat. Stadiums do typically have lots of TVs, at least the newer ones do, but they never seem to be on the wall outside the bathroom. If you’re watching at home, you can always hit pause, if you’re not watching with other people who don’t want to stare at a paused screen while you go drain the snake. 

If you are watching at home with friends or family, you’ve got the same missing parts of the game problem.

Who wants to miss any of the game? If you ponied up the money to go, you’re without question dropping a good chunk of change. Nobody wants to be the guy who paid over $100 to be at the game and then has to lie about how he saw the big play in person, because in reality he was standing between two members of ZZ Top while taking a piss into the urinal with no dividers. Seriously, whoever cheaps out on those little walls when they build public bathrooms are assholes. The “don’t use the urinal right next to anyone” rule doesn’t work when hundreds of guys are trying to use twenty urinals. You couldn’t fit that into the stadium’s billion dollar budget? That’s your tax money at work fellas.

I don’t know why you’d really want to drink the beer at the stadium anyway. Not only does one beer practically equal a dime bag, but mostly, the only choices you have are light beers. Despite what all the commercials will have you believe, if you think light beer is good beer, you’ve got less balls than Lance Armstrong. Light beer is like piss in a bottle, or a can. If the major selling point of a beverage is the vortex top or whatever the fuck else light beer companies are doing now, it’s probably not a tasty drink. People who drink alcohol that lacks in flavor are women, plain and simple. Men drink whisky, women drink cosmos. If you piss darker than the beer you drink, you’re a woman. I mean hey, women are essential to the human race, so by all means, carry on. On the topic of whisky though, that or something similar is what we should drink when at or watching a game. Personally, I’m a single malt scotch guy, like Ron Burgundy; when I can afford it anyway. That shit is expensive.

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here. Being drunk during the game is awesome. It helps people in the crowd get energized to root for their team. Depending on how far North your team is, it might even be necessary during the winter. It’ll definitely help you get that shitty stadium food down too. The problem though, is they only offer beer, and that leads to unwanted consequences. I get that they avoid selling hard liquor because it leads to even more fights in the stands. That’s why you’ve just got to bring a bottle to the tailgate. You could always sneak a flask in, but that’s become a lot more difficult in recent years. Not that stadium security is that thorough, just that it didn’t even exist not so long ago. I remember the first time I had to go through security to get into a game was when Bill Clinton was at the game. I’ll bet you he was drinking a scotch in his luxury box.

FYI, Chad Greenway of the Vikings agrees with me, saying he wants fans to be, “super-duper drunk.” He also said, “drink liquor, not beer,” encouraging fans to either drink early or pull an all nighter before the game so as to be extra rowdy. Attaboy, Chad!