College football took a page right out of Jungle Book when they picked these live mascots to represent their university.
It seems no one knows they exist, because they rarely or never make cameos at the games. Naturally, it would be unsafe for the some of animals to grace the field, because in front of a massive crowd, the animal could spook and rip someone’s face off. These lions, tigers, bears, cougars, bobcats and co. could actually kill you.
Here are eight of college football’s most dangerous mascots.
Colorado’s Buffalo, Ralphie
Ralphie is a woman — let’s get that out of the way, as it’s a common mistake — And she charges around the field at half time with five handlers, who guide her in and out of the stadium. Those handlers probably argue that sweet old Ralphie would never see red. She has, however, trampled one of her handlers already. So perhaps, if you threw a few rocks at her, you might end up learning the same lesson as this guy (which is don’t throw rocks at a Buffalo):
University of Kentucky’s Blue, the bobcat
This 30-pound feline predator lives on a “whole-animal” diet – reminder, you are a whole animal. But for the safety of the cat, the school does not bring him to home games, as bobcats are shy animals and would not deal well with crowds. But if Kentucky’s nickname is the Wildcats, then why did they pick a bobcat, which they can’t even use to interact with fans. Isn’t that the point of a mascot? They’re also getting another, according to the school website.
University of Northern Alabama’s lions Una and Leo
These two lions are celebrities. They have their own twitter account. But while their personas are almost human, they’re certainly not tame. Tell me if you still think they’re domesticated after you see this video, for which “embedding has been disabled by request.” There’s this one, too:
University of Texas’ longhorn steer, Bevo
The Texas longhorn steer is a thing of America’s past and present. It’s the picturesque steer that looks like it should appear in a Ford commercial. Standing at 5-foot-2 with 72-inch horns and weighing in at 1,800 pounds, the steer would probably ruin the F 150 and the driver with it. Does that bring a sick, new meaning to “Hook em”?
University of Houston’s cougar, Shasta VI
If this thing comes running, get the f*#k out of the way (and consider throwing someone else in the way). If you don’t believe that you’d see him around, then know this: the previous Shasta got her own motel room during road games in the 70’s. So while the creature likely doesn’t live it up in motels anymore, when you’re team is hosting the University of Houston, be on the lookout.
Baylor’s black bears, Judges Joy and Lady
- Baylor University
Baylor has had a live black bear on campus since 1914. And since 1974, all bears must be called Judge, along with their surname. The biological sisters, Judges Joy and Lady, bring order to the Baylor’s basketball court – even after Britney Greiner left.
On a terrible side note, a black bear killed a Rutgers’ student in September.
LSU’s Siberian tiger, Mike the Tiger
If LSU’s team had half the astaticism or speed of these tigers, then they’d be a playoff team for sure:
Buster Ramses XXIX of Fordham, Rameses of UNC, Zan of Shepard University
Apparently at UNC for one poor ram mascot, it was kill or be killed, and some sick fuck murdered the Rameses XXIII. But my guess is that most of the Rams hit as hard as this one:
And now, cue the animal rights activists…