I have a confession to make. I don’t like sports. Relax, I’m not gay, a communist, or-God forbid, - a hipster. I dominate rec-league basketball every Monday night! I do burpees, bro! It just so happens that I find better uses for my Sunday afternoons than cycling between games and calculating my Fantasy league standings. Obviously, I’m in the minority. The NFL, NBA, MLB (and NHL when it exists) are cornerstones of male bonding whether at school, home or the office. Typically, I’m forced into silence anytime my co-workers are discussing last night’s game.
Unless, they happen. Y’know, those glorious off-field moments that captivate the nation; the legal disputes and moral quandaries that allow me to voice an opinion or crack a joke and appear human to my stats-worshipping contemporaries? Last week saw two major stories in sports that had nothing to do with actual athletics. You think I’d be in heaven.
Honestly, I couldn’t give a fuck about Manti Te’o or Lance Armstrong. Te’o didn’t do anything illegal; he’s a dumbass weirdo Hawaiian Mormon who fell for a troller and was too embarrassed to admit it. Lance Armstrong “cheated” in a “sport” that nobody cared about until his inspirational story. The man beat cancer! He could race from a car for all I care!
There have been way more exciting, polarizing and Earth-shattering events in athletics than these January jerk-offs. I proudly present 7 Crazier Sports Stories than Manti T’eo or Lance Armstrong.
7. The Pacers-Pistons Brawl
I watched this live. I just came home from a high school party when my Dad invited me to take a seat and check out the game. Typically, I’d pass up the opportunity. I’m eternally grateful that I didn’t. Within minutes, pre-Meta Artest was cracking fans in the face and Rick Carlisle was crying like a bitch. Pure pandemonium at it’s best, and the most exciting thing to happen to either team for years to come.
6. Holyfield-Tyson II
The one with the ear. This whole post could be could be comprised of Tyson moments, but that list is for another day. Mike Tyson was once the most prolific boxer in the sport. However, his outrageous behavior led to his transformation into the face-tatted wreck we know today. By ’97, he was already on the outs with boxing and society at large. Chomping a chunk of a God-fearing man’s ear cemented his ruin.
5. Dock Ellis’ No-No
Do you know how hard it is to pitch a no-hitter? Do you know how hard it is to pitch a no-hitter whilst on FUCKING ACID?! MLK is great, but I think we need a Dock Ellis Day. Everyone goes to work tripping balls. I doubt they’d come close to his success.
4. Monica Seles Gets Shanked
This one often flies under the radar. A female player in one of the world’s most genteel sports gets stabbed mid-match. That’s INSANE. That’s like a drive-by during the Masters. Seles took a nine-inch blade to the back in Hamburg during a qualifying match. Her attacker plead insanity and saw no jail time. You know those Germans, real easy-going.
3. OJ Simpson Trial
More of a national scandal than a sports story, but hey, the man did gain 11,236 rushing yards. The Juice was a media darling and national treasure, until he murdered a white woman and the Jewish kid she was fucking. I mention race because the trial reignited racial tension nation-wide, especially when O.J. got off partially due to racial remarks by one of the detectives. He then went on to get arrested like, 50 more times. Touchdown criminal justice system.
2. Tiger Woods Sex Scandal
Every sport has seen it’s fair share of sex scandals, but perhaps none was more surprising than that of Tiger Woods. He has been considered the greatest golfer of all time, not to mention the least controversial. That’s why it was such a shock to hear that he was boning 10+ women other than his wife, most of them porn stars or whores. Tiger’s infidelity was a constant source of media scrutiny, until every other celebrity got caught and claimed to also have sex addiction.
1. Penn State Diddling Scandal
The most heinous crime on the list, and the most recent. What more can be said about this story? It had all the elements of a crazy sports moment: Fiercely devoted fans, terrible misdeeds, corny jokes, etc. It also killed Joe Paterno. I think we’ll be feeling the affects of Sandusky and Co. for years to come. Ew.
That about wraps it up for me. What other crazy sports moments can you think of? Do you think I nailed it? Do you think I should have included Vick but got too lazy? Absolutely. Leave your thoughts in the comments section. Best one gets a response from yours truly.
Krum is an NYC based comedian. You can follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom