Sports
by Bread Foster on May 12, 2014

yoga

Yoga is the ancient art form of creating asses on white girls. The Mayans didn’t accurately predict the apocalypse, but Indians successfully predicted how yoga pants were going to change the world and the frequency of public erections. Yoga now has more varieties than a Pink Berry has flavors to help you eat away your sadness. Yoga was stolen from priests and spiritualists by rich white women it’s time for men to join in again. There are a ton of reasons why men should Broga, besides staring as deep as possible into a girls butt during downward facing dog.

1. Broga Pants: Stop cringing for a moment and keep reading. A wide band and fabric that’s super comfortable is the only thing that makes pants “Yoga Pants”. It’s not that ass conforming wedgie inducing pant we love to see on women. Under Armour makes a pair of Broga pants that fit so amazingly you can drop kick a chipmunk from 40 yards away. Added, Broga pants cover up the fact you have skinny Ethiopian calves because you keep skipping your leg day at the gym. If women get to wear high waisted “boyfriend” jeans that look like mom jeans from the 70’s, it’s time dude’s can rock Broga Pants.

2. Post Yoga Drinking: There is nothing like talking the people in your class into ingesting the calories you just burned off. Partying with a group of yoga women is amazing. Drunk yogi’s go from tame to headstands in 3 drinks flat, head stands turn t-shirts into headbands in seconds and after enough rum no one cares. If you want to see 75% of your classmates bodies, get them out drinking.

3. Networking: Disciplined, fit, hardworking women have a tendency to be very high powered with great jobs. Avoid the stay at home moms who are trying to lose the post baby weight. Not only because they’ll never lose that weight, but because no one wants to hear about how smart a two year old is. Stick to the age group slightly older than you, that woman holding warrior #2 could get you a job being her #2.

4. Being Interesting: Talking about how you spend your weekends playing Call Of Duty and masturbating probably doesn’t go over well in bars or with the cute girl in sociology. Picking up a hobby that can teach you how to do a back flip while making you better looking with your shirt off might. Having a picture of you doing a stall in some weird place can even make your Match.com profile get more hits, if your socially inept enough to online date. Hobbies besides questioning your life decisions while looking into a mirror help give you something to talk about with strangers, even if they are calling you a shitass for doing yoga.

5. Fuck The Gym: Yoga studios are small and intimate places with people you might actually want to get to know. There are no roided up dickheads taking gym mirror selfies. Yoga tries to remove narcissism, while that hippy stuff may be complete garbage, at least you’re not cleaning off a machine after someone with back acne and ring worm. The gym is mechanical and you’re waiting for that 50 year old divorcee whose lifting 20 pounds thinking it’ll work off that TV dinner from last night. Yoga studios are calm, quiet and usually have an instructor that makes you blush like you’re going through puberty again when she talks to you.

Bread Foster is a NYC Stand-Up Comedian. Go see him live 7pm May 14th at Broadway Comedy Club and follow him @BreadFoster

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Bread Foster

About Bread Foster...

Bread Foster got a degree but rolled a joint with it instead of using it. He's a NYC comedian but a multinational drunk. He enjoys sharing his insanity with the Internet even though it constantly gets him in trouble.