Thousands of other websites have NFL power rankings, but much like gods, only ours are sovereign and real. We stayed up late in the office last night re-watching game film, eating Chex Mix and drinking the company’s beer. Here are the fruits of that labor.
Each week, we’ll give you our Top 13 because that’s a baker’s dozen and you don’t need a better reason than that.
1. San Francisco (1-0): Colin Kaepernick is not one of the league’s best dual-threat quarterbacks. He is one of the league’s best quarterbacks. All homeboy did is throw for over 400 yards and then proceed to burn the heart and soul of the Green Bay Packers defense afterward. His only mistake was talking about eyebrows so much with another man.
2) Philadelphia (1-0): Chip Kelly’s offense is for real. Watching this game was like taking an Adderall without the pesky appetite reduction. The Eagles were so good that even they can laugh about this play. Michael Vick looked like a pre-prison version of Michael Vick, which is a very unique compliment.
3) Denver Broncos (1-0): Peyton Manning threw for seven touchdowns and it wasn’t in your dorm room’s PlayStation. Also, this cheerleader is in midseason form.
4) New Orleans (1-0): WHO DAT? Who dat say the Saints got lucky? Well, me, for one. But a hard-fought divisional win in the season’s first week conjured up a lot of hope in the French Quarter. And drunkenness. A lot of drunkenness.
5) Chicago (1-0): Jay Cutler don’t care. The Bears beat a very good Cincinnati team thanks to a player suffering from an upset tummy. Think of how awesome they’ll be when no one’s puking on the sidelines.
6) Dallas (1-0): See above. Jesus, there was a lot of vomit on Sunday.
7) New England (1-0): Congratulations, you needed a last-second field goal to beat Buffalo and Danny Amendola is already hurt. In all honesty, Tom Brady could win with a co-ed bowling team as a receiving core while a lot of people who pee standing up couldn’t.
8) Detroit (1-0): You Can’t Keep Up With Reggie Bush. Also, we should probably just incarcerate Ndamukong Suh before he murders someone on the field.
9) Seattle Seahawks (1-0): Look, I’ll be honest. For 50-plus minutes this team looked like hot garbage. But how can we expect professional athletes to perform at 10 a.m. local time? Virtually impossible. They’re definitely not paid enough for that shit.
10) Houston (1-0): Beating crybaby Philip Rivers gets you in any Top Ten – warranted or not.
11) Miami (1-0): Lost points just being in Cleveland. Mike Wallace is already acting like a complete asshole.
12) New York Jets (1-0): Geno Smith looked like a future Hall of Famer and we’d all be completely shocked if Rex Ryan’s guys don’t go 16-0. Juuuuuuuuust kidding. The improbable comeback wasn’t the most amazing performance out in Jersey, though. This display wins that honor.
13) St. Louis (1-0): Seriously could not care less about this team. Was blissfully unaware of their existence until RIGHT NOW.