Brett Favre back?
No. He's not back. He won't be back. There is no way he could return to the NFL under any circumstances. Not even as a goof. But that won't stop the annual what-if-he-did story from happening.
And this particular one will make even the most casual of Favre-approved jeans get tight from the oozing masculinity.
Here's Bus Cook, the ol' gunslinger's agent, getting very descriptive about how Favre now spends his days:
"Today, he could play today,'' Cook said Monday night before his appearance as guest speaker at the New Horizons Credit Union-1st & 10 Club meeting at Heron lakes Country Club. "I saw him the other day. He's in the best shape I've ever seen him in, physically.
"His arms look like a blacksmith's arms. He rides a bike probably 30-50 miles a day. He runs four or five miles a day. He's coaching at the high school and they're undefeated. He loves it. His body fat is 7.5 percent and he weighs 225 pounds. He could play today, better than a lot of them out there today.''
But wait, there's more. We've exclusively obtained Favre's journal. Here are a few everyday activities the 44-year-old partakes in that Cook failed to mention:
- Rise at 4 a.m., do 1,300 burpees
- Milk 500 Holstein cows, promptly drink 20 gallons of untreated liquid protein
- Pedicab local students to school, six at a time
- Text, then regret text
- Play Madden, purposely injure Aaron Rodgers
- Visit local supermarket, heave full hams, receive applause
- Catch up on Charmed reruns
- Wonder if "Bus Cook" is agent's real name
- Hand-squeeze an entire grove of oranges for the good people at Tropicana
- Learn even more about history of denim
- Attend every high school football practice in the country, toss passes, leave real players woefully underprepared for big game
- Bed at 9 p.m., tomorrow's another big day