In honor of Johnny Football single handedly keeping us entertained during the NFL offseason, it only seemed appropriate to rank the top partiers for each NFL franchise. Peyton Manning-y do-gooders and charitable individuals need not apply.
1. Arizona Cardinals: Wendell Bryant, 2002 draft bust. Hey, some of these guys just aren’t that well known. But Bryant lovvvved to party, and that’s why he’s both out of football and on this list.
2. Atlanta Falcons: Michael Vick. That’s all I’m going to say.
3. Baltimore Ravens: No clear winner here. We’ll go with Jacoby Jones, because he got beaten up (re: champagne bottle to the head) by a stripper named Sweat Pea at a club, but Ray Rice dragging his wife down a hallway is a close second. Yeesh. You can’t make this stuff up.
4. Buffalo Bills: We’re gonna give a team award for this one, since the 1990-1994 Bills made the Super Bowl four straight times, and apparently partied hardy before each loss. So what if they lost four Super Bowls in a row, an NFL record? They had fun, you guys.
5. Carolina Panthers: Jeremy Shockey had to make this list somewhere. It was practically written into my contract for the article. While Lawrence Taylor beat him out in New York and Reggie Bush squeaked it out in New Orleans, Shockey takes the cake in ho-hum Carolina. I mean, besides Steve Smith punching dudes in practice, who you got? Shockey was carried out from a party in Vegas on a stretcher.
6. Chicago Bears: Bobby Layne. Think it’s Ditka? Layne talked his way out of a DUI in court by claiming the officer didn’t understand his Texas accent. I rest my case.
7. Cincinnati Bengals: Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson. Go ahead, type “Ochocinco partying” into Google. First two hits? “Ochocinco, Clinton party the night away” and “Chad Johnson partied with a homeless guy on South Beach.” Enough said.
8. Cleveland Browns: Johnny Manziel. Duh. Was there any doubt? There’s just too much to list.
9. Dallas Cowboys: Michael Irvin, cocaine. Analysis: He liked it. A lot.
10. Denver Broncos: Brandon Marshall. Not this new Bears receiver—remember the old Brandon Marshall? Yeah, he got arrested for partying, DUIs, and assault four times during his years in Denver.
11. Detroit Lions: Titus Young. Of all the Lions receiver busts—and there are many—no one has flamed out as spectacularly as Mr. Young. Dude partied like a pro, got DUIs willy-nilly, and—AND—tried to steal his car back from an impound lot.
12. Green Bay Packers: Mark Chmura. How much did this former tight end love to party? Enough that he attended his babysitter’s post-prom party. Yeahhh.
13. Houston Texans: Matt Leinart. I’d have put him in Arizona, but he actually played kinda well there, so why not choose his Texans years, where he DID NOT play well and still drank heavily? He’d be near the top of the list for “Biggest Tools in NFL History” as well, by the way.
14. Indianapolis Colts: Jim Irsay. I’m sorry, but does anyone else party more than Irsay? The answer is no. No one’s close. I don’t care that he’s the owner and not a player.
15. Jacksonville Jaguars: Matt Jones. Way to go, NFL. You ended a budding receiver prospect’s dreams just because he loves to party. And do drugs. And never be in shape.
16. Kansas City Chiefs: Larry Johnson. Remember him? He’s a testament to how uninteresting Chiefs players are. Johnson’s been in trouble repeatedly for pulling (get it?) a Ray Rice with several girls on different occasions after party rocking in Vegas.
17. Miami Dolphins: Richie Incognito. Did I say this list was going to be full of classy individuals? No. No I didn’t. Enter Incognito, the perpetually drunk, fight-anyone guy at the party who has made millions of dollars playing football.
18. Minnesota Vikings: We’re gonna go with another team award here. Why? Fun fact: The Vikings have the most arrests in the league since 2000. Would not have guessed.
19. New England Patriots: Rob Gronkowski. Thought I was gonna go with that other Patriots tight-end? Nah. He was a little too murder-y for this list. All Gronkowski does is take his shirt off, chug beers, and party—while injured—after his team loses the Super Bowl. Classic.
20. New Orleans Saints: Reggie Bush. While Bush has no single notable story, he’s a nonstop partier wherever he’s playing.
21. New York Giants: Lawrence Taylor. The man lived by three P’s: partying, prostitutes, and pills. Oh, and one C: cocaine.
22. New York Jets: Let’s be serious, it’s Joe Namath, and it’s not even close. The man wore fur coats on the sidelines of football games, and reportedly slept with over 300 women—and that’s just while at Alabama. You know who would be second place? No, not Mark “Butt Fumble” Sanchez—by the way, remember when he led the Jets to two AFC Championship Games and was receiving Derek Jeter-type love in New York? Yeah, me too—it’s gotta be Brett Favre. In one glorious season as a Jet, Favre managed to rock out with his cock out a little too often. *Cough*dick pics*Cough*masseuse.
23. Oakland Raiders: This one almost broke my brain. There were so many choices. I’m going with Pete Banaszak, but he was a dime a dozen in the John Madden days.
24. Philadelphia Eagles: Continuing with the theme of partying before the Super Bowl, I give you Donovan McNabb, ladies and gentlemen! You know you’re doing partying wrong when Terrell Owens, three-time team cancer award winner, chews you out in public.
25. Pittsburgh Steelers: Terry Bradshaw. A man who supposedly couldn’t spell Cat if you spotted him the c and the a certainly knew how to P-A-R-T-Y. He just didn’t know when to.
26. San Diego Chargers: Next up: the biggest draft bust in NFL history, Ryan Leaf. I mean, who wouldn’t want to live their life like Leaf, who favored partying and golf over, you know, actually doing his job? Side note: he’s currently serving a seven-year sentence in prison.
27. San Francisco 49ers: Deion Sanders. The partying, two-sport stud rented a Diablo Lamborghini during Super Bowl week with the 49ers and had the defensive coordinator sneak him out the fire escape on the Friday before the Super Bowl.
28. Seattle Seahawks: Lamar Smith. He drank, he drove, he crashed. Often.
29. St. Louis Rams: The not so little, Leonard Little. A linebacker/defensive end for the Rams in the 90s and 2000s, Little could drink with the big boys. And he did, even while driving.
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Warren Sapp. Just…just watch this.
31. Tennessee Titans: Adam “Pacman” Jones. Um, the dude blew $1 million in ONE WEEKEND. He made it rain on a stripper, and then bashed her head on the ground when she tried to pick up the money. Do less, bro. Do way less.
32. Washington Redskins: John Riggins. When Joe Gibbs first met John Riggins, “he was on a four wheeler festooned with shotguns and beer coolers. He wore a blood-stained camouflage get-up and carried a tallboy in one hand.” Where did I find this quote? Drunkard.com. What a boss.