Last Tuesday, BroBible ran an article on how “Carlos Danger” is currently CBS Sports' most popular fantasy football team name. I have a serious question for anyone who actually named his team “Carlos Danger": Did you stare at your team name after you typed it and think to yourself, “Wow, I’m gonna get so many laughs with this!”? How fucking lazy and/or unfunny are you?1
Andy correctly pointed out in his write-up that finding an original team name these days is extremely difficult. With both the insane popularity of fantasy football and social media ruining everyone's jokes, coming up with a truly original team name can be exhausting.
But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least try. Here are some guidelines to help you come up with a decent team name this season:
Team Names You Shouldn’t Use
Aaron Hernandez Jokes: I get it, Aaron Hernandez killed a guy (or 7), and while murder isn’t really something to joke about, it is funny here both because he didn’t murder me and because he’s a 23-year-old millionaire athlete who pissed his life away. But similarly with “Carlos Danger," half the idiots in your league are gonna use a Hernandez or Odin Lloyd reference for a team name. It's just not original. If you absolutely must use a Hernandez reference, I suggest going with “Least I Didn’t Kill Humans” and a Michael Vick avatar.
Riley Cooper Jokes: Same as above, except we’re dealing with rotten words instead of rotting corpses.
Punny Names Plucked Off Naming Websites: Especially if you’re in a league with your buddies. Bro, I’ve known you for 15 years. I’ve seen you eat your own vomit. There's no fucking way you came up with “Yo Gabba Gabbert” on your own. If you use a cheat site to pick a name, your friends will know and they should call you out for it.
“Show Me Ya TD’s” or any team name that substitutes “TD’s” for “titties”: If titties are so important to you that you have to include them in your fantasy football experience, do me a favor and just name your team “I Fucking Love Titties” with a Devin Brugman GIF as the avatar.
Everyone in the league will be better off.
Lame TV/Movie References: Look, I think The Big Lebowski is a fantastic movie, but naming your team “The Dude Abides” isn’t getting it done. The same goes for all your Game of Thrones references. If it’s the most popular show on TV and I can’t escape it on social media, I don’t want to see it in my fantasy football sanctuary either. (I’m not ruling out all TV/Movie references, because then I’d have to apologize for my Mike Wallace/The Wire inspired “WHERE THE FUCK WALLACE AT?” team name two years ago, and I refuse to do that.
Player References For Players On Another Team: You can’t name your team “Reggie’s Bush” if Reggie Bush is on someone else’s team. You just can’t. You can however reference players on your own team, players in the Free Agent pool, or retired players.
General Factors To Consider
CONSIDER THE DYNAMICS OF YOUR LEAGUE!!! I can’t stress this enough. The team name you choose should primarily be dependent on the type of league you’re in. Generally there are 3 different types of leagues: Work leagues, Friend leagues, and Random leagues.
- If you’re in some random league you joined last minute because nobody wanted you to join their league, you’re a serial killer. Please stay away from my home in NYC.
- If you’re in a work league with 11 colleagues, maybe you shouldn’t name your team “Cunty McShitFucker?" Go with something mildly funny that won’t get you fired—maybe a work reference that everyone will appreciate.
- And if you’re in a long-time league with a bunch of your friends, go with something edgier. These are guys you’ve known for a long time—go ahead and air out their dirty laundry in your team name. Some examples include “Tommy Flunked College” or “I Fingered Your Wife In HS” with an old Facebook pic of her. You can even change your team name every week depending on who you’re playing, just so you burn everyone at least once (I do this often). If you’re gonna bring mothers into the equation, be absolutely positive that theirs is still alive.
Use Avatars and Abbreviations: I’ve referenced avatars several times already and for good reason: They’re essential when completing the perfect team name. Rarely is a team name strong enough to stand on its own. For example, if we use the “Tommy Flunked College” team name from above, accompany it with this picture...
ESPN also allows up to a 4-character abbreviation for your team name. Some people use their initials here and some just leave it as “BUTT” for the entire year, but you should cater it towards your overall joke. In the same Tommy example, using “FAIL” or “GED” would put the cherry on top of a great name. And if Tommy defriends you on Facebook, whatever. It's not your fault he failed out of school.
The Rick Reilly Rule: Just ask yourself this... Is my team name something Rick Reilly would use? If the answer is yes, go with something else.
Team Name Suggestions
As I said before, I’m not a one-team-name-for-the-whole-year type of guy. I like to change mine up several times just to be an asshole to my friends. But I do realize that most of you out there generally stick with one name for an entire season, so I couldn’t leave you without some actual suggestions for this year. Here’s a few I came up with:
Ryan Mathews Is a Piece of Shit. It’s funny because it’s true. This isn’t a drafting strategy column, but NEVER under any circumstances draft Ryan Mathews. If you do, make him feel unwelcome by shaming him in your team name.
Roy Heluuuuuuuu. For best results, use a (LALA) abbreviation with this avatar...
Montee’s Python AndTheHairyBall. I couldn't space the last few words because of character limits, but still a solid team name. It’s as close to the original movie title as I could get while still maintaining its dick-joke properties.
Welker? I'd Rather Decker. Because fantasy football and domestic violence seem to go hand-in-hand.
Jeremy mACLin. Stick it to your league's Eagles fan who nobody likes.
I Was Witten Some Head. A quick Google search tells me I'm either the first person in the world to come up with this, or just the first to put it in writing on the Internet. So if I see this team name anywhere this season I'll get all warm and fuzzy inside.
1If you play fantasy football on CBS Sports you’re a weirdo, and it probably explains why you have such a shitty team name. ESPN or GTFO.