Sports
by Jake Fowler on December 24, 2013

Tiger Woods started dating Lindsey Vonn

There are so many fun questions here. I wonder whose reaction was angrier when they heard the news: Elin’s or Spike Lee’s? What do you think the conversation was like when Lindsey addressed Eldrick’s past transgressions? Does Lindsey make Perkins jokes when they are deciding where to grab breakfast? Did she joke about this Thanksgiving being a little more low-key? In her rehab downtime after four glasses of Pinot, did Lindsey Google Tiger’s frisky text conversations? She has to be a serious freak in the sheets, right? Do we think Tiger cheats on her? I imagine he does. 

BTW, I’m still disappointed Tiger just didn’t come out slaying after the initial allegations. “Yes, I love vagina. I’m fucking Tiger Woods. I get a lot of vagina thrown at me. While I’m eating my waffles. While I’m trying to talk to my BFFs Charles and Michael. If you sat down while trying to eat your Ham Artisan breakfast sammie at Starbucks and a barista that looked like Ashley Sky requested your grande skim chai, I think you’d oblige.” Who wouldn’t have related to that?

Chris Johnson and Devin Hester raced a cheetah for Nat Geo’s “Big Cat Week”

Hester beat the cheetah, but Johnson came up short. This immediately made me consider which animals I could take down in a 100-yard dash. Could I beat a beaver? Probably, unless there was some real fresh wood at the finish line. A moose?  Yeah, I got that. Definitely couldn’t compete with any big cats. Are bears fast? They look pretty versatile while going up trees.

Magic Johnson left NBA Countdown

The NBA on ESPN is Bill Simmons' world, and Magic wasn’t feelin’ it. That’s fine. Sage Steele is definitely easier on the eyes and says just as much. It was fun listening to Magic bitch about the Lakers and it’s sad Wilbon also is gone, but we aren’t exactly missing any interesting insights with his departure.

I did have a weird thought about Magic Johnson though after he left. Do you think he still gets it on with ladies not named Cookie? On first thought I wouldn’t think so, but he is a millionaire mogul living in L.A. with one of most magnetic personalities on Earth. And he’s proven you can live with HIV. If you were a struggling actress who knew you probably didn’t have the looks/talent to make it in Hollywood and you were drunk and Earvin took an interest in you, would you risk it?

After this thought crossed my mind, I immediately read every Nelson Mandela article on the internet in an effort to feel more wholesome.

Jay Z hit the agent game and got Robinson Cano a $240 million deal

Jay Z’s slogan is “Did I break it?” The dude dominated life in 2013. While he wasn’t throwing down on tour with JT, creating art at NYC museums and using an entirely unique way to drop an album (Samsung owners got the album before anyone else and Jay got $5 million from the company before it even was released), he got Robinson Cano an absurd $240 million contract with Mariners.

In an effort to be more of a renaissance man, every bro should make a Jay-Z-related New Year’s resolution. Mine: In honor of Mr. Carter’s 40/40 club in NYC, I will create a different type of 40/40 club. The challenge is simple. Eat 40 McDonald’s chicken nuggets while drinking a 40 oz. We can create a leaderboard, completion certificates, world record time, etc.  

Dufnering happened

What sports memes will dominate the internet in 2014? These are generally pretty tough to predict, but here are two to hope for next year.

Hamm-ing: Who remembers gymnasts (heroes) Paul and Morgan Hamm?! With (an) Olympics coming up, I’d like to see the Hamms back in the nation’s hearts. Their meme could simply be people drunkenly pretending they’re on the rings iron-crossing. It’s a timely white person dance move.

Ar-testes: New York basketball is a disaster. Metta has to be getting a little antsy. I predict a mid-February run by the Knicks where they win six games in a row and have the city dreaming of the 3-seed in the East. World Peace will hit a game-winning three and then do the “I have huge balls” jog back down the court that Sam Cassell perfected and all bros love. Everyday citizens will #artestes at every possible moment on social media. Because it’s awesome.

Anthony Wiener sent some sexts

Disappointingly, the year was a little light on public sports sexting, so we had to focus on politicians. But it had to have happened all the time in sports. Which pro athlete do we think sent the most sexts? Here’s my top 3:

1.  J.R. Smith: Guy gives zero fucks, and he’s gotten a little frisky on Twitter in the past.

2. Kosuke Fukudome: Not much to cheer about in Chicago these days, and anyone that’s been to Wrigley’s bleachers has heard drunken co-eds yelling, “Fuck you, do me! Hehehe.”

3. R.A. Dickey: Similar to Wiener, it's hard not to resist with that name.

Darnell Dockett tweeted at AJ McCarron’s GF

Obviously, this was pretty rude on Darnell’s part, but tweeting at babes with zero consequences is one of main reasons I want to be famous. This is simply something that civilians cannot do. Also, if you were going to take Katherine Webb on a date, where would you take her? Wing Stop wouldn’t be my first choice, but I think King of Diamond could be fun. I’d probably listen to Jamie Foxx’s “Unpredictable” and brainstorm from there.

I could go on and on with various debates from the 2013 sports year, (Who looks douchier than Ryan Braun? How much money would you spend to get drunk with NBA TV’s Rick Kamla? Read his bio! What would you do if you had a day with Ernie Johnson? How many ladies did Kliff Kingsbury sleep with this year, and which college coach would you most like to have as a wingman?), but I have eggnog to drink.

Good luck on your Idaho Potatoes Bowl wagers, and here’s to an even better 2014, filled with friends, fellowship and the new 40/40 club.

Find Jake's BroBible archive here. You can also follow him on Twitter and check out his blog, Big Balls Ideas.