The odds of becoming a professional athlete are comparable to getting struck by lightning or a Kardashian marriage lasting. These guys are physical aberrations. Their bodies perform physical feats as seamlessly and consistently, while the rest of us just try to do enough physically not to look awful. Then there are the exceptions to the rule. The Ron Jeremy’s, if you will. The athletes that look like they were picked last at recess growing up but in the end, got the last laugh. Here are seven of the most unathletic looking athletes.
Kyle Orton
Orton is unique cat. He is the only human being to ever throw a touchdown pass in the most competitive sports league in the world and change my car’s oil in the same day.
We all know a Kyle Orton. He’s that dude in high school who always owed you five bucks and you prayed was in your class because he added to the point curve and wrote “penis” on the chalkboard while the teacher was calling the principal for disciplinary backup. That shit got me every time. He wore a ratty old Billabong sweatshirt everyday and drank enough Monster energy drink to kill a small mountain lion. He never graduated but fuck it, you don’t need a diploma to sell weed. He legit worked at every ma and pa shop in your hometown but couldn’t hold a job because for a number of reasons: stealing from the register, poor attendance, poor hygiene.
The poor bastard couldn’t catch a break until he decided he wanted to be a starting NFL quarterback after tripping on mushrooms in the parking lot of the middle school. I laughed and declared I wanted to be a unicorn, and was convinced the odds were in my favor. I mean if you told me years back that Kyle Orton would be playing for the Buffalo Bills, I would have believed you. But I would have thought Buffalo Bills was the name of his latest scream-o band and he was playing the drums at the local burnout bar that smells like vomit.
That day in the middle school parking lot was the last time I saw Kyle Orton, if you don’t count watching him on prime time television living out his dream while I took resin hits in my mom’s basement with the last of the weed he sold me. Slinging footballs and weed. Orton, you’re doing it right buddy. But bro, I just caught wind you retired and texted you over an hour ago for a sack of bud. What’s the fucking hold up, superstar?
More Fitting Profession: Whatever His Probation Officer Sets Him Up With
Gordon Hayward
This dude has “coach’s son” written all over him. Hayward looks like that pretty boy on your traveling team growing up who always had the freshest gear but was afraid to hit the floor on loose balls. That’s why it pissed everyone off when daddy kept him in the entire game while guys like me, aka bonafide superstars, diddled our nuts on the bench. And somewhere along the way Gordon hit a growth spurt, his balls dropped, and he developed a nice little inside-out game, whereas I, once oozing with potential, capped off at demolishing old guys at the local Y. (To be fair to myself, I fucking ran circles around them nearly disabled Baby Boomers). This season, Gordy’s averaging a shade under 20 points per game and I’m averaging a shade under 20 excuses not to go to the gym a week.
More fitting profession: Broadway actor for the Book of Mormon
Glen “Big Baby” Davis
You won’t likely be seeing Big Baby gracing the cover of ESPN’s Body Edition anytime soon, considering he looks like the black Michelin Man. It baffles that an NBA player runs an average of 2.5 miles per game and Big Baby still manages to look like he’s 10 pounds away from a motorized wheelchair. He must just be eating mayonnaise out of the jar and washing it down with a bacon grease shake. Reportedly, in 2013 Davis adopted a vegan diet for health reasons. For all you who aren’t unbearable human beings and aren’t familiar with the vegan lifestyle: no meat, no fish, no poultry, no dairy, no fun. Your life is eating dry kale leaves and ruining your friends’ dinner plans. I call bullshit, Big Baby. Something’s just not adding up. You must stick to that diet less than Lindsay Lohan sticks to the terms of her probation.
Regardless, I respect a man who averages 9 points and 5 boards for a guy shaped like an ice cream sandwich.
More fitting profession: Line Cook at IHOP
Steve Blake
Over his 11 year career, Blake has averaged 7 points, 4 assists, and 0 rays of sunlight. When wearing his home white Golden State uniform, opposing players often confuse him for being naked. Blake spent his college career at Maryland, and while not a major scoring threat, he made a name for himself for his passing, even passing up the role of Gollum in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. This is fucked up but I was watching a Golden State game a couple weeks back and from afar I thought the NBA Cares campaign had inserted him for some sort of Make-A-Wish promotion. I even remember thinking how fucked up that the opposing team was full court pressing the sick kid.
I like Steve Blake, he’s a lunch-pale type player who’s carved out a nice career in the NBA by sticking to the fundamentals and vaguely resembling Frankie Muniz. He also strikes me as a guy who wears Sketcher’s Shape Ups to the club. And it’s tough to hate on a guy who wants to get fucked up and in shape simultaneously.
More Fitting Profession: Frankie Muniz Body Double
Tim Lincecum
Pictured at top. If I didn’t know this dude was a two time Cy Young winner and I stepped up to bat against him, I’d point my bat to the upper deck. And I’ve always been shitty at baseball, something about being afraid of the ball always hindered my potential. But Timmy looks like a dude who not only throws straight meatballs but would also cave mentally against a bigger, more imposing presence such as myself. He’s the kind of pitcher you want your crush at the game watching because there’s no doubt in your mind you’re rounding the base with both of them. I mean, like, in different ways. Like one in the baseball way and the other in the sex way. Anyway, back to smacking Lincecum’s balls. But like not in that wa..fuck it.
If you told me that Lincecum was the 3 time NL Strikeout Champion, I would have thought you were talking about picking up chicks at the bar. And I’m not saying that I’m Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez in that department either because a lot of the time I look to get hit by the pitch, but god damnit Timmy, you look like a brunette Hanson brother. Or that freshman from Dazed and Confused. Or Hilary Swank. Wait, he cut his hair? Fuck, now he just looks like the dude who cuts you in line at Starbucks.
More Fitting Profession With Long Hair: Lead Singer of a Christian Rock Band
More Fitting Profession With Short Hair: Life Insurance Salesman
Bartolo Colon
Kind of ironic how a 265-pound man who looks like a human slug once played for a team named the Athletics. Maybe even more ironic is for the last name of someone who certainly almost always has B.O. to be Colon. But then again, the pro athlete who threw haymakers at fans in the middle of a game calls himself “World Peace”. By that logic I should change my last name to Matt Small-Penis. Hm, I kinda like that. Matt Small-Penis. Hyphenated last names are the ultimate way for men to show they have a small penis. And I guess being named Small-Penis wouldn’t help my cause either. Anyhoo, enough about this penis talk because I’m getting hungry. You know who else is probably hungry right now too? You guessed it: Bartolo Colon. And I don’t mean to fat-shame the poor bastard but lets be real, it’s not like he can hear me over his $20 million contract and his own heavy breathing. Can you think of another position is professional sports where the weight disparity varies as much as an MLB pitcher? I mean, Tim Lincecum weighs 175 pounds, or in other words, one Bartolo Colon chin.
More Fitting Profession: That Dude Who Sits On His Porch In a Stained Wife Beater and a 40 oz. Who Collects Worker’s Compensation for an Accident that Happened 22 Years Ago.
Adam Morrison
Morrison is one of my favorite college athletes of all time. I can respect a guy who balls that hard but looks like he doesn’t own a collared shirt. Even before I learned that Morrison was a type 1 diabetic, I could have guessed he uses a needle daily. And as someone who can’t grow uniform facial hair, I can respect that sorry excuse for manhood that grows sporadically on his upper lip. Earning more than $10 million in his professional career, I am still almost positive that Morrison’s eats beans from a can and his house has wheels. Which begs the question: if Morrison gets shitfaced in his house, does it count as drunk driving? The most respectable thing about men like Adam Morrison is that money and fame are lost on them. They can’t be bought. They can’t be swindled. They can’t be paying taxes. But in Morrison’s defense, it must be difficult to correctly file his taxes because there isn’t a “Probably” option for the “Do you have dependents?” question.
More Fitting Profession: Bartender at Hooters