Sports
by Lance Pauker on May 22, 2013

That said, take out your two front teeth and let's do this:

There’s a Time to Dazzle. But You Need to Pick Your Spots Intelligently.  

When playing NHL Hitz, you may have encountered a competitor or two who made hella use of the deke and guard puck trick move options. You could say that those dudes–trying to win on outlandish spin moves and “skill moves”–you can say that they were the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The one’s that will always get slaughtered in NHL Hitz.

There’s a time to be a dazzling genius, but you'll only be deemed as such if you know how to execute properly. Pick your spots. Showing off too much will only hurt you. Know when to speak, know when to shut the fuck up. If superheroes spent entire movies saving people in dramatic fashion, probability says they'd die.


Holding on For too Long Never Helps

There was another type of player specimen who buffoonishly thought the key to scoring was to garner power, then release all the energy with a hard wrister. This always reminded me of that shitty “focus energy” move a few pokemon had. The one that never worked. 

Garnering strength for a shot was never productive. It was a telegraph, and it was never gonna get you anywhere. Like Jon Favreau’s character in Swingers, it’s all about learning when you need to let go. Waiting too long can ruin you. 

 

Take a Shit Ton of Shots

Too keep up our Swingers theme, the best NHL Hitz strategy is to be like Trent, Vince Vaughn’s character. He’s fast-talking, he doesn’t give a shit about the women he’s chasing, and he converts. And while this is a highly debatable strategy for courting chicks,* its a great strategy for a video game devoid of emotion and reprecussions predicated on general decency and human nature.

Think of it like you’re trying to break into a super competitive industry. Throw enough shit at the door in the forms of resumes, emails, cold calls, you’ll eventually get your foot in the door.  

*I’m talking about life thesis here. There’s a time to be a one night stand semi-asshole, and there’s a time to be a gentleman. Life dictates you get the former out of your system prior to adopting the latter. Not saying you need to follow that direct route, but a healthy Bro will have both in his arsenal.


You’ve Gotta Rely on Others

Teamwork is crucial. Most goals scored in Hitz are the result of changing course of ice to get the goalie out of position. One-timers work best. One-timers require constant, exhaustive passing. Carmelo would be terrible at NHL Hitz.

Video Game Soundtracks Put Songs on Another Level

This song, all things considered/ceteris paribus/#keepcalmandecon, is really nothing special. But add an all too memorable video and a sentimental attachment to a game that would crush on a mind-numbing BuzzFeed article about why staying home sick in middle school was just the best (one less day to get picked on and add someone to my hitlist! LOLOLOL!), and you’ve got yourself a keeper. A love letter to Powerman 5000. 5 Reasons Why Your Adolesence Was Defined By This Powerman 5000 Song. The 47 Most Underrated Things of 2003. All below. 

(the first minute of this is weird intro shit. Skip to a minute in for the greatness.)

 

Doing Mindless, Pointless Shit Is Important Sometimes

See the mild rant above. I’m not sure why this one is here. Initially it was because a lot of the time I spent playing hits was doing dekes, holding down wrist shots, and passing without ever taking one-timers. That sort of moment when you’ve been playing for way too long, and no longer wish to abide by actually tenants of gameplay.

None of this is important at all. Go outside. Eat a fish taco. Don’t listen to forced advice on the internet.

You’re Gonna Get Hit

NHL HITZ, as the name implies, is predicated on being created a few years before people started caring about concussions. Meaning that it was sort of like that scene in the opening of Boardwalk Empire–people going ape shit on the thing that soon enough, they’d technically/sorta wouldn’t/shouldn’t be able to do.

If one year in the “real world” has taught me anything, it’s that a.) you become a condescending dickhead in little to no time, and b.) there are much larger forces at play that what you want and what you think and what you “deserve.” Meaning that bad stuff is gonna happen. Family issues, health shit, poor job treatment, being victimized by the DMV, being victimized by standup comedians who make jokes about going to the DMV (You have to like, WAIT…for NO REASON!!!)…you get the point.

This paints a negative picture, but the beauty of pictures is that you can interpret them however the fuck you want. The beauty of life is that when you get hit, you could spit out the blood between your teeth, get back up again, and go all Paul Kariya in Game 6 of the 2003 Stanley Cup.

 

That's what its all about. Hitz fuel fire. Fire fuels dope highlights. 

 

The 9th Semester Appears on Wednesdays     Follow Me on Twitter

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