Sports
by Alex Nerney on July 15, 2013

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But what if technology could be the final frontier in taking your body from that of an overfed carnival worker to grecian statuesk god?

Well, it's time for a disclaimer.

While technology is awesome, the Internet has proved that 99% of the world is about as disciplined as a kid in a candy store. Having an unlimited supply of awesomeness at our fingertips might not be the best thing when pornhub.com receives of 16 million views a month, yet guys are CLUELESS on how to get with real women…

Point being – make sure this technology does not become a substitute for the real thing. If comes down to going to the gym or mercilessly stalking hot fitness babes on Fitocracy, the choice should be obvious.

Live in reality and use these 6 fitness apps to help you get so jacked, slampieces use your abs as an ironing board for their lady parts.

1. Fitocracy

The best attempt yet at a social network for fitness. Logging your workouts is important to improving your body and this application provides a great a great communitiy for it.  Basically, it's a great way to push your ID to new levels by bragging about how much you lift. 

You can also join the hundreds of groups they have and ask questions about particular topics for free.

Oh, and if you want to follow me or at least check out a very homoerotic photo of me shirtless, you can do so: HERE

2. Fitness Buddy


About 25% of the lifts I see in the gym, probably more, are done with pretty shitty form. This application will show you the proper way to exercise with video.

Biomechanics, bro, is a real thing and those swinging monkey dumbbell curls, while provide lots of entertainment, are not helping your progress. 

3. Sleep Cycle Alarm Clock

When I talk about the circadian rhythm and melatonin to my friends, their eyes glaze over like a Krispy Kreme Doughnut.

Basically, you and 99% of the population suck at sleeping. I could write an entire master thesis on why alarm clocks were invented by Satan's asshole and are the number one reason people struggle with their body.

Nevertheless, an INCREDIBLE app was invented to fix this problem. You can calculate your sleep quality and finally wake up without feeling like shit by using this application.

4. Couch to 5K

Have you not been to the gym in awhile? Do you get tired walking up the stairs? Are you starting to look like Bruce Vilanche? Couch to 5k is a great system for beginners to the running game.

While I don't do long distance running because it's boring and makes me angry, I still recommend this application to beginners.

Work your way up to killing a 5k. That way you can go to one of those color runs, steal the colored dirt dye from the staff, throw it in the faces of fellow competitors screaming – “COLOR RUN BITCH!,” and then run away giggling at your blinded foes.

5. My Fitness Pal

Probably touted as one of the better programs to count calories on the phone. While I am not a big promoter of calorie counting, it should be mentioned.

It takes a few days to get used to, but once you get used to logging your meals it's a breeze. 

Back when I thought I was a wizard and could calculate every molecule unit of energy I was consuming and expending (yuk yuk yuk), I loved this app.

6. White Noise

Again, if you struggle sleeping, fixing that should be a much bigger priority than going to the gym.

White noise is an application that plays background noises to help you fall asleep. Your body was not really made for complete silence. The quietest room in the world, an anechoic chamber, causes people to hallucinate and freak the fuck out.

In fact, I'm currently listening to the majestic melody of the goddamn Amazon Jungle right now while writing this article… what are you listening to? – Nothing. 

See you next time, bros,
Alex Nerney – Certified Personal Trainer. Certified Nutrition Specialist, Lord of Broscience

For College Guys, Grab Alex's Ebook On College Fitness: HERE
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