Thanks to recent articles showing us how to get ripped for Spring Break and the launch of the hysterical Bro Science YouTube page from our good friend Dom Mazzetti, I felt obligated to write this for the BroBible community. That being said, there are three main reasons why Bros get motivated to go to the gym in the first place (aside from self explanatory reasons like getting big, Spring Break being only one month away and still giving a shit about a New Years resolution):
1. Bros go to the gym to look at hot girls in yoga pants.
2. Bros go to the gym to avoid being awkwardly skinny after high school or awkwardly fat after college.
3. Bros go to the gym because it’s better than class, mid-day boredom, or using masturbation as the only excuse for exercising.
There are also several reasons why going to the gym can be an unpleasant experience aside from the locker room smell and seeing the old guy who loves walking around naked after his post-workout shower. I’m talking about the other members you hate running into at the gym. Blame it on the testosterone, blame it on the protein, fuck it and blame it on the alcohol but don’t blame yourself for having to share your gym with these seven characters when you go to get your pump on:
Everyone has experienced at least one Roger Klotz when they were growing up, hence why we all loved to hate him in the childhood TV show Doug. Fortunately Mrs. Klotz got fed up with all of Rogers antics such as picking on kids like Doug, getting suspended for bringing a pocket knife to school and selling marijuana in the cafeteria during lunch, so she and decided to send his ass to the gym. You will see him at the gym with a facial expression that says, “I have no clue what to do or why the fuck I am here.” There’s a good chance he will be wearing jeans, Converse All Stars and a shirt that has an ACDC logo or something that reads Hugs + Drugs = Me. He is socially awkward, especially to his trainer his mom hired him, and definitely not excited about starting a new healthy lifestyle. When he works out he gives less than 20% and looks miserable while doing it. Do not support him in any way and hopefully he will continue to be as miserable as his trainer (who deeply regrets Mrs. Klotz’s generous offer to blow him after every session he trains her son).
Ronnie from the Jersey Shore
Ronnie from the Jersey Shore’s twin just walked into the gym so get ready to step aside and watch a serious Bro get his swol on. If he catches you looking at the tan he got before he left for the gym, he will confront by impersonating his idol (the actual Ronnie from the Jersey Shore) by saying things like, “Come at me Bro.” You know its 2013 when people are still trying to be as cool AND as Guido as the kid who cried over Sammi Sweatheart in MTV’s ‘most successful reality show.’ Although he thinks his wife-beaters seem to be trendy thing to wear to the gym, they can’t hide his back acnce and strech-mark combo he seems to be so proud of due to juicing. He’s a heavy lifter because he is angry, because of on of these three reasons (or maybe all three):
1. He thinks of the guy(s) who schooled him in a recent dance battle at a club many people, myself include, and on this website have never heard of.
2. He realizes that house music has expanded across America and much more people than just Guidos are now listening to this genre of music.
3. He looks back and replays the thought of his ex-girlfriend commenting on his rapid-penis-shrinkage due to his constant steroid use.
We don’t know if Ronnie’s image (or Guidos in general) will ever be overruled in our lifetime but we do know that one thing is for certain -- the three examples clarified above are definitely a lot more realistic than we think.
Bert & Ernie
As soon as we grew up there were a lot of questions to be made about Bert & Ernie from Sesame Street. Are they close friends? Are they brothers? Are they gay? Who knows? We are still asking ourselves these questions about the two guys seen at the gym who refer to themselves as “Pump Partners.” This is what we do know: They ALWAYS arrive and leave at the same time and in the same car, they carry around gym bags and homemade charts to record how much they are lifting and you can find them wearing cut off t-shirts and adidas button-up or Velcro pants. They easily get distracted from their own workouts with conversations involving meal plans, protein and hooking up with girls. Although their conversations are annoying and untrue they are meant to be overheard by others. Everyone hates them because they have made absolutely no progress at the gym since they joined six months ago and they are always caught staring at all the sweaty men lifting weights -- which is probably what they’re into.
Shout out to all the old guys still hitting the gym! These lifters are also known as Mr. Stallone’s or Mr. Ferrigno’s and range between 50 – 65 years old. They spend so much time at the gym because it’s the only thing they have left to look forward to in their rapidly-approaching-retirement-lives. 95% of these men are single due to overstress from years in a much hated white-collar office job, which lead to both cocaine and steroid addiction, which also led to a long and dragged out divorce, which also lead to more cocaine and steroid use still being abused today. They grunt loud and wear bodybuilding tank tops to show off their back muscles to let everyone know that no matter how old they are, they can still kick anyone’s ass at the gym. They are all friends with each other and look forward to creepily flirting with the girl working at the front desk and who is at least 30-years younger than them. Don’t bother asking them for advice because they will be very clear and upfront that you are doing every exercise very wrong.
The High School Sourpuss
He doesn’t go to the gym for big gains; instead he goes to your gym to train for this year’s lacrosse season. After lacrosse it’s back to the gym to train for next year’s football season. He saved up his piggy bank money to buy a gym membership in order to avoid his fellow classmates who aren’t as serious as he is about cardio or repping his high school properly. He does this by constantly wearing his football, lacrosse, basketball, wrestling or badminton t-shirts and/or his high school’s colors. He has long hair in which he often refers to as his “Bro Flow” but everyone else compares him to “the old Justin Bieber.” In-between sets you will find him texting his friends for post-workout plans (especially on Fridays) or posting an Instagram picture of him at the gym. Also, he doesn’t workout for longer than 45-minutes and is hated for each of the 45-minutes he is there. His name could very well be Zac, Scott or Danny.
He’s loud, he’s obnoxious but he’s awesome at making every Bro recognize ‘that guy’ at the gym. The funny thing about every episode of Bro Science is that as funny as Dom Mazzetti is, he created the most realistic character we all hate seeing at the gym. That guy who’s annoying about getting his pump on, goes out of his way to give people advice, and doesn’t give a fuck what anybody thinks about him. I want to personally thank the Dom crew (both Mike and Gian) for crafting this idea and making a great series of videos that are so spot on.
[Squat rack image via ShutterStock]