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5 Things That RUIN ESPN

By / 11.26.13

4. First Take

Two words: Skip Bayless. He’s egregious, he’s blasphemous, he’s moronically loquacious. Oh wait, there’s that Stephan A. Smith guy too. God. They’re both awful. Still, there have been some great times on the show—am I right?

Made me love Richard Sherman.

3. The PTI and Sportscenter Voiceover Guys

You had one job! Kat Cressida, the voice of Pardon the Interruption, looks wayyy hotter than she sounds. Of course, that’s easy when you sound terrible. Here’s a shocker: she was also the voice of Dee Dee on Dexter’s Laboratory. Maybe that’s why I hate her. Then there’s Chris Kelly, the voice of Sportscenter. I say ESPN give his job to the old voice of Men’s Warehouse. He’s out of work, and he’d be a huge improvement.

Plus, subconsciously, I’d start liking the way I look—he guarantees it.

2. Monday Night Football

Tony Kornheiser didn’t work. Dennis Miller didn't work. Jaws didn’t work. The list goes on and on. These days, John Gruden doesn’t even work. Let’s be serious—MNF is fast becoming Sunday Night Football’s ugly little brother.

You know who’d be great? John Clayton—ponytail and all. Yeah, you heard me. I want the Professor. Sure, he’d be dorky and awkward for the first couple Monday’s, but pretty soon he’d let his hair down (nailed it!) and commentate the eff out of those games. Screw Gruden’s Grinders. Give me JC’s Slayer Slingers any day: a halftime segment covering all the best slinging signal callers from the day. Is it a coincidence his initials matchup with eight pound, six ounce baby Jesus? I’m just saying.

1. Dick Vitale

Oh. You actually want an explanation? Sort of thought this one was self-explanatory. Vitale dominates men’s college basketball the way John Madden used to dominate the NFL. Except, when compared to good ol’ Dicky V, Madden might as well be Al Michaels. In fact, Vitale almost singlehandedly makes March Madness hard to watch. MARCH MADNESS. It’s possibly the best event in sports, and Vitale almost ruins it. Here’s a challenge: try to enjoy watching this:

You can’t, can you? That’s because he’s the worst, babyyy. Still, there is hope. Vitale’s getting old, and someday soon *in theory* he’ll retire. Do you believe in miracles?

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