I know that I’m going to catch a buttload of shit (heh) for this post, so let me preface my argument with some points of personal disclosure.
1. I am not a hipster/homosexual/nerd/geek/Dothraki etc. So before you write this blog off as meritless because its writer is a member of one of those subcultures, bear in mind that I am a red-blooded bro just like you. Unlike you, however, I’m willing to acknowledge that one of our most cherished traditions has grown stale.
2. I am not anti-sports. In fact, I rode the bench lettered in lax and wrestling and do the pick-up basketball thing every Monday night. I hold competitive athletics in high regard as a great method of exercise and an important bonding ritual. What I am against is the manufactured obsession and allegiance to those three and four-letter organizations whose sole purpose is to acquire your money.
So bring on the blue Not Bro cups, here are my reasons why Professional Sports Suck.
4. They are absurdly drawn out.
It takes less time to create a human life than it does to watch the Knicks get knocked out of the second round of the playoffs. That’s fucking absurd. A single baseball game lasts three hours. I give a YouTube video thirty seconds to entertain me before I bail and so do the rest of you. Big Sports’ refusal to conform to modern society’s attention span is deliberate. The longer the games, the more advertising space, tickets, and ugly jerseys sold. The standard season-playoff schedule is a gluttonous, outdated model designed to generate income at the fan’s expense.
3. Nothing is really at stake when you think about it.
Drama propels interest. We like stories about people whi overcome great obstacles with serious consequences. We go to school and work to achieve goals that will significantly affect our lives. Watching a multimillionaire play a game that will have zero impact in the real world simply isn’t compelling.
“Wow, the Yankees won the World Series! Just like they did twenty-seven times before that!”
I’ll admit that there is a persuasive counter-argument; Players are real-life superheroes. They come from meager backgrounds, possess incredible gifts and drive, and ultimately face a tremendous challenge. I buy that… for the first couple seasons. Sad as it is, that story gets played out when it’s repeated thousands of times for decades on end. Want to make shit interesting again? Raise the stakes. Brady has to clinch the AFC, if he doesn’t, we’ll slit Gisele’s throat at the 50-yard line.
The Romans were on to something. How much more interesting would a mid-season game be if there was forced sterilization?
2. They create idiot fans.
I remember this chubby, nerdy kid named Eric with a receding hairline in my ninth grade AP European history class. Every Monday morning before the bell rang, he made it a necessity to check in with our teacher about the Jets.
“We got crushed last night, huh?
“We really picked it up in the fourth, right?”
WE didn’t do anything. A group of hardworking guys did something, YOU sat on your ass with your Macbook on your lap refreshing Fantasy stats, you fucking tool. That’s the problem with sports; they create countless lame Erics; guys who never play the game, but can only establish kinship with another human being by talking about the shitty fuckin’ Jets. Fuck Eric. Fuck him and whatever accounting firm he works at.
On the other end of the fan spectrum, you’ve got those morons who will put a father of two in a fucking coma because he wore the wrong hat to the game. The latter example is rare, but as a general rule, Sports creates pointless banter and bullshit we’d all be better off without. I would rather get my Achilles removed with a pair of rusty Tweezers than hear two douchebags debate Andrew Bynum’s contract options like they know anything.
By the way, rooting for the home team is bullshit. I have nothing in common with some Croatian import because he wears a jersey of a city I live 50 miles from.
1. Watching sports is inherently boring.
It’s an extremely simple and obvious premise. Active participation is more engaging than passive participation.
What sounds like a more heart-racing endeavor: climbing a mountain or staring at someone scaling to the top? Physical activity is simply not designed to be entertaining.
Watching someone do something isn’t as interesting as doing it yourself.
Interesting. Take one of the most common phrases relating to sports. “Let’s make it interesting”. We’ve all said it, but think about it. Without personal investment, sports aren’t interesting. That’s why every single solitary person reading this article has either bet on a game or managed a Fantasy team. Personal investment. You know what is already interesting? TV. I’ve never bet that Don Draper gets tempted to commit adultery by the end of the episode. Don Draper is interesting on his own.
And guess what? I’ve never had to pregame before a movie. A MOVIE IS FUCKING GOOD ON IT’S OWN. I don’t think it would be possible to tolerate a soccer match without getting trashed. No intoxicants needed to enjoy Goodfellas.
When does sports news crossover from the sports section to the front page? When Hernandez kills someone. When Tiger has an affair. THE ONLY INTERESTING SPORTS NEWS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SPORTS. Sports are boring because we know what is going to happen, more or less. They’re as routine as the sun rising in the east. Another day, another Krejci goal.
I know what I said today is upsetting to hear, kind of like the first time your parents told you there is no Jesus. Since birth, we’re indoctrinated to think that rooting for the Eagles makes you a man, makes you normal. It’s artifice. You want to enjoy sports? Go outside and pick up a fucking ball with some friends. It’s a lot more normal than pouring over some asshole’s power rankings on ESPN.com
I am open to any and all counter-arguments. Either leave them in the Comments section or email me at Krumlifedotcom@gmail.com. “You’re a GDI faggot” is not a convincing argument. Now bring it on.
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