St. Louis Rams (7-8-1): Continue to frustrate the San Francisco 49ers because, hell, Jim Harbaugh is so fucking entertaining when he’s mad.
Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8): Stop having the most annoying fan base in the world. Keep Plaxico Burress and develop him into the best receiver in the game because that would just be awesome.
Dallas Cowboys (8-8): Bring back Bill Parcells. Stop blaming Tony Romo for all your shortcomings.
New York Giants (9-7): Realize that games before December count in the standings and you can’t luck into a Super Bowl title every single year.
Washington Redskins (10-6): No resolutions. What an incredible year.
Minnesota Vikings (10-6): Give Adrian Peterson a blank check and let him fill in his salary. Make sure Christian Ponder is treating Samantha Steele well. Keep stickin’ it to the Bears when it matters.
Cincinnati Bengals (10-6): Submit Marvin Lewis to intense examination. Dude makes so many seemingly stupid decisions that somehow seem to work out. Secret genius? Maybe.
Chicago Bears (10-6): Fire Lovie Smith. Seriously, what are you jokers waiting for? UPDATE: THEY DID IT!
Baltimore Ravens (10-6): Give the ball to Ray Rice 30 times again. Fire anyone who disagrees. Find a time machine and put Ray Lewis and Ed Reed into it.
Seattle Seahawks: (11-5): Petition the league to play 16 home games, go 16-0. Profit.
Indianapolis Colts (11-5): Continue to inspire. Thank God every night before bed that the whole Andrew Luck thing worked out. Go ahead and do some damage in the playoffs.
Green Bay Packers (11-5): Get a viable running back. Intentionally piss off Aaron Rodgers because other teams won’t like him when he’s angry.
San Francisco 49ers (11-4-1): Pick a quarterback. Choose Alex Smith if you want to win.
New England Patriots (12-4): Stop putting Rob Gronkowski on special teams when it doesn’t matter. In fact, stop playing all star players when the game has already been decided. Get Bill Belichick some happy pills.
Houston Texans (12-4): Do fucking something with the insane amount of talent that resides in the Lone Star state. Stop underachieving.
Denver Broncos (13-3): Spend an entire year bragging about the Tim Tebow bullet you dodged. Go ahead and win the Super Bowl, get Peyton Manning elected governor.
Atlanta Falcons (13-3): Sit home, figure out how to win in the playoffs because, shit, it won’t be happening this year.